Diary

EXCLUSIVE: The Hillary Diaries- May, 2015

By methods which shall remain secret (but involve a private server and some spyware), this writer has gained exclusive access to Hillary Clinton’s personal diary.  I thank “the cloud.”

May 1st- Dear Diary: Bernie Sanders is in for a run against me.  Me!  Of all people, Bernie Sanders is running against me.  Well, it does have two advantages.  It certainly makes me look younger and it also makes me look less extreme.  Poor Bernie, though.  Seriously- how can he compete with my millions?  Me and Bill have worked diligently to raise ourselves out of poverty and our foundation to produce campaign talent and cash for charity clearly prove I am due better prepared to be the Democratic candidate.

5/4/15-  Dear diary: Its been three days since my last entry here.  I met with Harold, John, Cheryl, and of course Huma and they all agreed that I should talk to this pain in the ass Benghazi Committee.  So I instructed my lawyers to agree to a single day of testimony.  I don’t want this distraction to hinder my summer fundraising meetings with real American people.  I asked Cheryl what we had on this Gowdy guy and she said Sid was working on it.

I mean…really!  What difference does it make?  I already told them what I thought they should know everything I knew about the day Ambassador Chris Smith got killed.  I don’t know what else they want from me.

I also learned that my website started a new feature- The Briefing- designed to deal with that damn book coming out about Clinton fundraising Foundation donors.  Thank God I have people so dedicated to damage control my efforts to be a president for the common people.  I think after we finishing tearing Hersh a new (REDACTED) get by this little blip, I’ll have John keep that feature up to answer other charges against me likely to pop up.

Gotta go now and get ready for my trip to Nevada.  Thank God we retired that hideous limo we called the Mystery Machine.  I’m more used to flying first class.  After the poverty I’ve suffered, I think I am entitled to a little papmpering now and then.

May 5: Today, I double downed on Obama’s amnesty E.O. and told those Spanish people I would go further.  John says the WH is not happy since O went as far as he could with the amnesty thing.  I told John not to worry- I know I can’t go any further, but those Spanish people don’t.  Speaking of them, it was so great to see them.  A lot live in poverty and it reminded me of my days in poverty after me and Bill left the WH.  Oh well- onto California.

May 7th- Dear diary: I spent the past two days in SF, LA and Silicon Valley lining up donors for my run to be the president of everyday Americans.  Some of these homes are gorgeous.  Me and Bill should have purchased one of our many homes out here.  It was a good two days.  I wrapped up lots of donors and money because its what I do best.  Now for some R&R back at one of my homes and some strategy sessions before I head back out.  For someone who is supposed to the be the next president, this sure is hard work.

May 16th- Dear diary: Sorry I’ve been away so long, but campaigning is a bitch!  And they say I am one- ha ha ha.  Anyway, I visited my Brooklyn headquarters and talked to some people in the street.  I had to stop for a slice of pizza from one of those small business owners.  After all, if I’m to be the small business president, I have to be seen in a small business now and then.  The highlight of my stay in NY was a fundraiser at L.A. Reid’s place.  Thank God Beyonce was there.  I think she’ll sing the National Anthem at my inauguration.  Have to hide that booty from Bill.  Ha ha ha.

May 18th: Geez- back out to Iowa.  Why is this state so damn important?  Any way I had to blah blah blah through some more round table discussions with small business owners.  I get it now!  I was surprised that people like small businesses actually make money through building and producing things, not just talking like me and Bill.  Did I tell you the hotels suck here in Iowa?

May 19th: Minyon called and said WaPo was writing disparaging stories about me and how I haven’t talked to reporters in like 10,000 minutes or something.  In Cedar Falls, I held a news conference.  I know it was only five questions and I really didn’t answer the questions, but WaPo can restart that clock now.  That should get them off my back for a while.  I told them I wanted my State e-mails to come out publicly.  Well…why not?  Cheryl took care of the “personal” (ha ha ha) ones.

May 20th: Up to Chicago to meet with child care workers and some moms.  Being a grandmom, this is an important issue for me.  I want to be the president of grandmothers.  But boy was this boring!  It took everything to keep my eyes open.  Thank God I remembered those lines Huma and John gave me.  I think I came off as authentic.  But then it was off to the real reason to be in Chicago.  Did some good fundraising here and I think I made some friends.  But you know what they say about Chicago politics…Gotta get rid of the knife and bring a gun next time- ha ha ha.  Now its off to New Hampshire.

May 22nd: Oh-O!  My e-mails are coming out and people are starting to connect the dots.  Guess you gotta be careful what you wish for.  Did I look scared or confused in Exeter?  Any way, NH is beautiful this time of year- much nicer than January or February.  Boy- how I am dreading that!  What was I saying- that’s right…the e-mails.  I sure hope Cheryl and Huma did a good job deleting those damaging personal ones or else I’m toast.

May 25th: I think I dodged the first e-mail bullet.  Me and Bill are off to the Chappaqua Memorial Day parade.  Hopefully no one will ask me about Benghazi and Chris Smith’s death.

May 26th:  Here’s a shout out to my campaign website that just launched a Hillary for President apparel store.  I especially like the pantsuit t-shirt.  No rest for the weary cos I’m off to SC.

May 27th: South Carolina- my nemesis in 2008, but hey- I’m all the Democrats have this year.  Decided to keep Bill at home.  Besides this was a Democratic women’s conference so you could see why I made this decision.  I gave a talk about equal pay and the crowd seemed to soak it up.  Had meeting with some black women business owners.  They sure make some good waffles.  Wish I could stay a little longer for the chicken, but I gotta run.  I’m off to Georgia.

May 28: Dear Diary- In Georgia and boy is it hot here!!  At least the hotels are better than Iowa.  God- how I dread going back there.  John called to say Bernie was getting some good press in the liberal media.  How the hell am I supposed to out-liberal a socialist?  And that (REDACTED) Barack and that trade agreement thing.  Of course I’m for it but Bernie and Liz are leading the chorus against it.  I’m not sure how to handle this one.  Memo to self: contact Huma.  She usually has the answers.  Actually, I just put a reminder on my private e-mail server.  Ha ha  Chelsea called/all is well.  Did I mention I’m a grandmom and I want to be the president of everyday American grandmothers who own small businesses? Wait…did I get that right?  Gotta go— have to raise those funds.

May 29.  Dear diary:  Left Georgia for Florida and racking up those dollars.  Ch…ching.  Coral Gables is beautiful.  And Nilda was a great host.  Lovely home.  Me and Bill should have bought a house here.  Well, its never too late…maybe after we move back out of WH in 2025.  Wow!! 2025- I’ll be like 79 in 2025.  Where have the years gone?  BO stole 8 years of my life!!  I should’ve been POTUS!

{Disclaimer:  This is intended as a satire…I don’t know how to use spyware}