Now that the class of 2015 has largely graduated to enter the working world from the comfort of their parent’s basement, its time to review the best and worst of the past academic year. Without further ado, its time for the First Annual Academics Awards (to be held at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion):
The Award for Stupid Government Actions:
The winner is: The California state assembly for blocking a bill that would allow freedom of association with respect to campus groups, a right enshrined in the First Amendment. Runner up: Florida Atlantic University for requesting students to complete a survey on how many times they had sex and with how many different partners in the previous semester.
The Offensive Speaker Alert Award (named for Ayaan Hirsi Ali):
The winner is: Ohio State University for inviting former Ohio State football great Archie Griffin. His offense? Too boring. Seems you just cannot win. Runner up- University of California at Berkeley for uninviting Bill Maher as a speaker over his views about Islam.
The Student Body Diversity Award (Unless You Are Christian) Award:
The winner is: Polk State College in Florida where Professor Russum’s Facebook page features an image of Jesus Christ giving the finger. He also gave a Christian student four “F’s” on four consecutive papers in his “Introduction to the Humanities” class for mentioning Christianity in a positive light. Incidentally, Professor Russum’s course descriptions are in need of grammar and spell check. Runner up: The University of Maine for banning Christmas decorations on campus lest they offend non-Christians.
The Student Body Diversity Award (Unless You Are Jewish) Award:
The winner is (and its a doozy): Students at Cornell who demanded the university sanction a group sympathetic to ISIS AND that they be allowed to invite ISIS speakers. Runner up: Harvard student for protesting soda fountains on campus claiming they are a form of microaggression against Muslim students (SodaStream…Israeli company…West Bank…BDS movement…get it?).
The Joys of Abortion Award:
The winner is: Princeton University for Ethics Professor Peter Singer’s assertion that it is acceptable for insurance companies and the government to pay for the killing of mentally disabled babies. Runner up: The University of North Carolina-Wilmington for having an entire class dedicated to heroes of the abortion-rights crusade in America.
The Girls Gone Wild Award for Wacky Feminism:
The winner is: Oberlin College for creating “safe spaces” during a speech by conservative Christina Hoff Summers. The purpose was so that if anyone in the audience felt like attacking Summers- who is critical of modern feminism- they were to retreat to the safe place. Runner up: Students at Auburn University where a campus feminist group protested as “repugnant” a pro-life display of white crosses representing 150 abortion each.
The Sign Them Up While You Can Award:
The winner is: Rutgers University for actually hosting an enrollment fair for illegal immigrants. Runner up: for student protesters at the University of North Colorado after that college closed it Mexican-American Studies Department which had two students enrolled at the time.
The Censorship that Backfired Award:
The winner is: North Carolina State for censoring speech in a tunnel dedicated to… Free Speech. Runner up: The State University of New York at Buffalo for cutting funding to a campus newspaper after they published a satirical edition…on April Fool’s Day.
The Columbus: “What Did I Do?” Award:
The winner is: The University of California at Santa Barbara’s apology to Mexican students for offering Mexican food during an alien (as in space alien) themed event. Runner up: A professor at the University of Michigan at Flint who hung a wanted poster of Columbus. He was wanted for genocide.
The “Hey! We’re an Oppressed Minority, Too!” Award:
The winner is: Santa Barbara Community College for forcing art students to take down a teepee exhibit. (Seems indigenous people have a patent on inverted cones). Runner up: The University of Minnesota administration for warning against offensive Halloween costumes on campus. Their prime example- a sexy Pocahontas.
The Those Were the Days Award (named for Tom Hayden) for the best college protests:
The winner is: Ohio University for actually holding a menstruation celebration. Runner up: Harvard graduate students for protesting to have the right to unionize (seems that being a perpetual student is now a job).
The “Why Wasn’t This Taught When I Was In College” Award:
The winner is: Boston University for conducting a Harry Potter-themed human sexuality course. Runner up: the University of New Mexico for hosting a seminar on proper sexual threesome techniques (or etiquette or something like that).
The Grow a Set Award Award:
The winner is: Columbia University Law School for delaying finals for any student traumatized by the events in Ferguson, Missouri. Runner up: A decision by the University of California at Berkeley to discontinue calling incoming students “spring admits” lest it upset them.
The Now I Am Just Confused Award:
The winner is: Students at California Polytechnical Institute for staging a s#@!-in demanding neutral gender bathroom facilities on campus. (Note: My guess is this will last until complaints increase over males missing the toilet when urinating). Runners up: its a tie between Bryn Mawr, an all female college, which is now admitting males who “identify as women” and Scripps Institute that now has ten different gender categories on their application packet.
The “That’s Extra Credit I Can Use” Award:
The winner is: The University of Wisconsin where one class offered extra credit to any student that proclaimed their bisexuality. Runner up: Also the University of Wisconsin where some professors offered extra credit to attend an anti-Scott Walker rally.
And finally, The I Swear I Am Not Making This Up Award:
The winner is: Rutgers University whose student assembly was offended by the fair skin and blue eyes of the school’s sports mascot- a Scarlet Knight. They requested and received permission to use either university or student fee funds to design a knight “of color” and one that is “transgender.” Can’t wait to see them on the sidelines soon. Runner up: a female professor at Columbia University, who teaches Gender Studies and violence against women, for being arrested. For assault. Against her boyfriend. On Valentine’s Day.
That’s it for this year. Its great to know these things are happening on college campuses. And to think families and students go into deep debt for these educational experiences.