Exposing Scott Walker: The Latest Poop on the Would-Be-President

We have all heard the stories of Scott Walker’s lack of a college degree and how this supposedly disqualifies him from being the President of the United States.  Apparently, the Left has slipped some other qualification to be President into Article II of the Constitution when no one was looking or paying attention.  This lack of a college degree has led to all sorts of speculation for his reasons for dropping out of Marquette University 34 credits shy of a degree.  But that is not what this story is about.

My unnamed sources in Wisconsin, Colorado and Iowa, where he was raised (he was born in Colorado), before his family moved to Wisconsin when he was ten, have uncovered some other potential disqualifying items.  I have it on good authority that while in high school, Scott Walker once asked the lunch lady for extra french fries.  The lunch staff reported this incident to school authorities who investigated the incident.  Although school records are officially sealed, I have it on good authority that Walker was questioned by school officials as to why he wanted the extra french fries.  They assured me that no disciplinary action was meted out.

But, Walker’s problems extend deeper than a few extra french fries.  I then turned to my unnamed sources in Iowa who told me that Walker once threw a snowball at another youngster.  No charges were filed in this clear cut incidence of bullying.  Police in Plainfield, Iowa were tight lipped when I sent inquiries to their office.  They noted that “if any report was filed, then he would have been a juvenile at the time and those records are sealed and require a court order to unseal them.”  I suggest Judicial Watch get right on this and I demand they file FOIA petition immediately.

Further investigation into this incident revealed that the snowball was tossed at a young girl named Sally Federman.  Searching through the Plainfield directory, I could not find her, but I did find her parents who recalled the incident distinctly remembering that Walker “had a crush” on their daughter.  So its even worse than we thought.  Not only did he throw a snowball at someone, but he threw it a girl.  Clearly, there is an article here for Amanda Marcotte to rail against the tyranny of the snowball.

Just when it couldn’t get any worse, my sources in Colorado contacted me.  It seems that before leaving for Iowa, the young Scott Walker would soil his diaper before he was potty trained.  Several nurses at the hospital where he was born distinctly remember changing his diaper on several occasions.  Unfortunately, everyone in Walker’s family declined comment citing family privacy.  One suspects there is more dirt to be uncovered here.  Is this the real reason the Walker family moved to Iowa?

Not having a college degree is one thing, but I for one believe it is time to expose Scott Walker for what he really is: a french fried-eating, snowball throwing, diaper pooper!  If that is not enough to disqualify you from being President, I don’t know what is!