Diary

The 2016 Crystal Ball

Having recently peered into my crystal ball and consulted Tarot cards and a Ouija board to boot, I saw the following vision.  It is December 2016.  The long presidential campaign is a thing of the past.  After Hillary Clinton dropped out of contention by her choice- she wanted to be a grandmother and the Clinton Foundation is more profitable than the presidency given her financial situation- the long fight between Brian Schweitzer, Joe Biden and Elizabeth Warren was decided.  Schweitzer got some moderate stuff put in the party platform, but he continued to malign the South and gays and was heard uttering a slur against Hispanics.  Biden won a tough primary but was forced to take Elizabeth Warren on as his vice presidential choice.  Because she had to resign her Senate seat, Scott Brown won a special election in Massachusetts.

It was a close race, but President Scott Walker had an almost flawless campaign.  The turning point was the second debate when Biden claimed Walker wanted to shackle black folk to poverty.  The crowd at Howard University let out loud boos and hisses.  Biden later fired his speech writer, Debbie Wasserman-Schultz, but the damage was done especially after his address before the NAACP two days later when he kept referring to the audience as “youse black folks.”

The celebration in Madison, Wisconsin at the Walker headquarters is a thing of the past.  Of course, there is the clean up from the ensuing rioting by the public union workers and some rabid teachers instigated by Richard Trumka’s denouncement of the election results.  Everyone realizes that although Walker ran a great campaign, it was the woman’s vote that carried him into office- drawn to the boyish good looks of Vice President Marco Rubio.  During his debate against Warren, he held his own as she spouted populist rhetoric, but Rubio held to his campaign theme- bottled water.

It was time to pick the Walker cabinet.  For head of the SBA, Walker chose a dark horse- New Hampshire Congresswoman Marilinda Garcia because she was articulate, bright, young, Spanish, a woman and good looking.  He committed to women in his cabinet during the campaign.  He also needed a harp player in the White House.  Speaking of good looking and that commitment to women, he chose Fox News personality Andrea Tantaros as his press secretary.

For United Nations Ambassador, he chose the former head of the NSA and CIA Director Michael Hayden.  For US Trade Ambassador, he chose former New York Governor George Pataki because a lot of people forgot about him and he needed someone from the Northeast in his cabinet.  When Donald Trump heard the news, he flipped his wig- literally, since he wanted the job and planned to put his name in ugly red neon on the side of his office.

His choice for the EPA was tough, but he needed someone willing to think outside the box and who could quickly unravel the series of Executive Orders Barack Obama issued with respect to greenhouse gases.  After much serious thought, he chose former Georgia Congressman and Presidential candidate Newt Gingrich.  Over at OMB, he needed a nerdy wonkish type of guy, someone who knew the intricacies of the United States budget frontwards and backwards.  Hmmmm… who could be that be?  It just so happened, he didn’t have to look far and Wisconsin Congressman Paul Ryan graciously accepted the position.  By the end of December, he had assembled over 2,000 pages of graphs and flow charts.  Walker got a headache after about 500 pages and told Ryan to do whatever he wanted.

Walker does not believe that climate change is the top issue facing America’s homeland security.  He needed someone who understands the real problems- immigration/porous borders and Islamic terrorism.  Since she was without a job, former Arizona Governor Jan Brewer took the job.  Surprisingly, when greeted at the Madison airport upon her arrival, she refused to shake Walker’s hand saying, “Damn! I ain’t in Arizona anymore.  Wisconsin is cold in December.”  Over at the Veterans Administration, he needed someone to clean up the mess that Obama promised to clean up, but never got around to because the press moved on to another scandal.  Although he wanted this guy for Defense Secretary originally, his aids convinced him that former Army General and US Congressman Allen West was better suited for the VA.

At the Department of Education, his primary task was dismantling Common Core and once again convincing school children and teachers that it shouldn’t take 90 seconds to realize 9+6=15.  He needed a low key, reform minded person, someone possibly with executive experience and some experience in academia.  Although he originally sought out Nebraska Senator Ben Sasse, he eventually decided on Purdue University President and former Indiana Governor Mitch Daniels.

Another promise Walker made was that his cabinet would seek people on the other side of the aisle.  There was really only one choice for Energy Secretary and that was West Virginia Senator Joe Manchin, someone who understood the importance of fossil fuels.  Together with Gingrich, their first order of business was to grant approval to the Keystone Pipeline after Obama put off a decision a record nine times.  Rumors were quickly squashed that Robert Byrd would seek Manchin’s seat in a special election.  For Transportation Secretary, he looked south to Texas and plucked former Texas Senator Kay Bailey Hutchison out of retirement… just because.

At Paul Ryan’s insistence, he did not fill the office of Housing and Urban Development since they decided to eliminate the  department and transfer functions to the states and cities where they could have a better grasp on how to handle things in this area.  Health and Human Services is an important position since dismantling Obamacare will be difficult.  He needed someone who could clearly articulate his policy from a position of innate knowledge of the problem and that job went to Dr. Ben Carson, a non-politician.

Walker’s legal counsel team advised him that it was probably unconstitutional to appoint himself Labor Secretary despite his protests to the contrary.  In the end, the lawyers won out.  Jobs was a major campaign theme, so he looked for executives who actually created jobs.  The position fell to former Texas Governor Rick Perry who, ironically, forgot the Labor Department was part of the Executive Branch during a primary debate against Walker.  At the Commerce Department, he appointed former Hewlett-Packard executive Carly Fiorina.  This was not a controversial pick since no one really cares about the Commerce Department any way, although they have a pretty neat museum in Washington DC.

Scott Walker got a chuckle when he announced his Agriculture Secretary- Tom Cotton of Arkansas.  Get it?  An Agriculture Secretary named after a crop.  At the Interior Department, he needed someone laid back and a good executive, someone underrated and that man was former Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty.

Perhaps his most controversial pick was for Attorney General, but political payback is part of the game.  Besides, this guy has experience as a prosecutor and an executive and, quite frankly, ain’t no one gonna mess with Chris Christie as Attorney General.  As head of the Republican Governors Association in 2014, Christie helped Walker get reelected.  Walker doesn’t forget a friend.  And he was afraid that Christie might shut down a bridge or two in Wisconsin if he didn’t get the job.

For Secretary of Defense, this was a no-brainer: General David Petreaus who had grown tired of his part-time teaching job in New York.  Besides, Walker and his national security advisers had actually developed a strategy for dealing with ISIL and Petreaus was the best man to institute Operation NAPALM.  For Treasury Secretary, it was a toss up with half his transition lobbying for Steve Forbes.  Instead, Walker turned to a fellow Cheesehead from Wisconsin and chose his former state treasurer, Kurt Schuller.

Finally, for Secretary of State, the decision was a tough one.  Some on his staff really pushed for former UN Ambassador John Bolton.  However, Walker, after meeting with Bolton over lunch, was turned off when Bolton had rice pilaf stuck in his moustache and Walker became uncomfortable not knowing how to politely tell him.  Since Secretaries of State have to attend formal state dinners all around the world, he couldn’t have this happening with Vladimir Putin or Angela Merkel.  Instead, he went totally off the grid and chose Meghan O’Sullivan, a professor of International Studies at Harvard University.  She had State Department experience having served under Colin Powell and in Iraq where she once had to scale a wall to get away from an actual terrorist attack not instigated by a YouTube movie.  In other words, she had real world experience to be Secretary of State, not being the junior senator from New York.  Plus, she thought things did make a difference.

Then I came out of my trancelike state and immediately wrote this diary entry before I forgot anything.