The Land of the Whopper

It is hard to know where to begin, other than to say the President told a Whopper on national television about health care — again.

The most disturbing thing about his health care Whoppers is that he does it with such ease and grace. He practices telling Whoopers. He enjoys telling Whoppers. He makes Whoppers up. Right in his own house. Makes them right on the spot. Super fast too. In fact, some Whoppers can appear right in front of you in seconds.

Maybe he should be the Spokesman in Chief for the Big Whopper. Or maybe there should be a big sign around the 1500 block of Pennsylvania Ave. — Home of the Whopper. Or Home of the King of the Whopper. (King Whopper among the commoners.)

On the one of five Sunday morning talk shows attended by the Whopper-in-Chief, CBS quoted Senator Hatch (R-UT) who said:

“If anyone believes that Washington can do a plan that will cost close to a trillion dollars, cover all Americans, not raise taxes on anyone, not increase the deficit, not reduce benefits or choices for our families or our seniors, then I have a bridge to sell you.”

In fact, in response to this obvious ridicule about his Whoppers, King Whopper told more Whoppers, which Politico reported thusly:

President Barack Obama blitzed the Sunday morning airwaves to pitch health reform but found himself on the defensive — denying the plan breaks his campaign promise not to raise taxes on the middle class and insisting the public insurance option isn’t dead.

Last week, Senator Rockefeller (D-WV) who is a member of the Senate Finance Committee told ABC News that the Senate plan had a “big, big tax” on the middle class. The Wall Street Journal reported that unions were up in arms about the tax and quoted one union member, Mr. Corner, who said: “It’s really going to impact the middle class.” The same health plan has the words tax or fee 243 times.

All of this may be explained by way of background: the name of the Land of the Whopper is called Whopper-bama, which is a special administrative district where the people who live there are call themselves Whopper-bamians, and are fed a constant diet of Whoppers. This food is so special and important that Whopper-bamians even feed Jr. Whoppers to their kids and elderly.

In fact, they have a big Whopper factory that is painted White. Before it was a factory it was called a House. (Although sometimes people slip back to their old ways and call it the House of Whopper, or more often, the Whopper House.)

Indeed, Whopper-bamians show great reverence towards Whoppers — they love Whoppers. It makes them feel better.

And what is really interesting is that some say — eating Whoppers leads to better health. Really, that is what Whopper-bamians say. For example, if you are dealing with an emotional subject, like abortion or immigration, then, that is when you really must have a Whopper. Calms you right down. I have seen it happen. True story.

Some experts even go on television and the radio and are quoted in newspapers saying that there is a special class of people who must have a special, constant diet of Whoppers. These experts say that this class of people knows who they are — they are called the political class. Yes, and these experts also say that large segments of another class of people need daily Whoppers too, the media class.

It is whispered in some places in Whopper-bama that if you are used to having Whoppers, and you don’t get them, you start to feel sick and nauseated and get a headache.

But some other people have an allergic reaction to Whoppers. They get angry and walk around with signs and come to these places called halls in towns and yell and argue a lot — usually they yell at someone from the land of Whopper-bama. It is starting to give the Whopper-bamians a complex.

For example, just the other day the leader of one part of Whopper-bama was so scared by these people with the angry reaction, that she said that the angry people were so many that they were a mob and lived in something called astro-turf. She said anger in the mob could lead to violence, and then she cried.

So now there are other experts who are very concerned and who have been studying the effects of Whoppers on different parts of the population. One expert, Frank Luntz, says Whoppers are making people furious. Yep. He says that “72% of the people I interviewed say that they’re ‘mad as hell and they’re not going to take it anymore.'”

Pollsters are always talking about two other groups of people who are having a bad reaction to Whoppers — independents and seniors. One expert, Charlie Cook, has named some of them “angry white seniors.”

Apparently, Cook says one group in particular, Democrats, will be most impacted by these folks who are experiencing Whopper side-effects. Cook also said something called a Wave Election — which is somehow caused by Whoppers reacting badly with another group of people called voters — “should terrify Democrats.”

Historians are saying that back at the beginning of Whopper-bamia, people did not know they were eating a Whopper until many weeks or months later — then they found out. Apparently, there was some mystical spell or Jedi-mind-trick that made people not see the Whopper until they had swallowed it whole. According to some, this mystical power is weakening from over-use. Now, the more people look, the more they see the Whopper before they eat it.

Historians also point to a picture of King Whopper called the JOKER, as about the same time that Whoppers began being identified more frequently.

And that is pretty much how things are going in this strange Land of the Whopper.