Diary

You may be a progressive if...

You may be a progressive if…

  • You mock people for failing to live up to moral standards you don’t believe in.
  • You think “free press” means the government pays for it.
  • You believe dissent was patriotic until Obama was elected, after which dissent became racist.
  • Your idea of a hard work day is having to walk to get your welfare check.
  • Your executive task for the day was scoring a bag of weed.
  • You want to know which of the 57 states is “The Welfare State” so you can move there.
  • You think all conservatives are irrelevant and don’t have a prayer of becoming president, therefore they must be destroyed at all costs.
  • You go out of your way to nominate specifically a Latina, whose job it will be to enforce a constitution that prohibits job selection based on race.
  • It’s more important to you to have a black president than a good one.
  • You don’t think your daughter should be punished with a baby.
  • You look at Michelle Obama and see Jackie O. instead of Lt. Worf.
  • You are waiting for IDG to publish “Austrian for Dummies.”
  • You have to attach signs to all your windows that say, “USE OTHER DOOR –>”
  • You join a “Save the Polar Bears” protest after you have an abortion.
  • You think people should say “hole of color” instead of “black hole.”
  • You think “free speech” means the government pays for it.
  • You rent a Marx Brothers movie thinking you’re going to see Hugo, Castro, Zelayo and Obamo.
  • The only job you ever gave anyone was in the back seat of a car.
  • You hate coffee with cream but order it that way, anyway, in order to avoid having to say “black.”
  • You don’t mind that your president hates his own country, because you do, too.
  • You bow when you go into Burger King.
  • You think homosexual sex is perfectly natural but eating a hamburger is immoral.
  • You beat up a black guy selling “Don’t Tread On Me” flags at a town hall meeting, and then warn everyone about potential violence from right-wing extremists.
  • The only part of “Spread The Wealth” you understand is “I Get Free Money.”
  • You keep your food stamps under your iPhone next to your big screen TV.
  • You were fooled by the name change from “Global Warming” to “Climate Change.”
  • When a mass murderer yells “Allahu Akbar,” has contacts with ISIS, and probably even has a “I’m a f*cking terrorist, moron” T-Shirt, you announce, “We need sensible gun control.”
  • You’ve got your head so far up your ass that it pops back out through your neck.
  • Your idea of a hardball question for Obama is “Are you divine, or are you merely magnificent?”
  • Saturday Night Live is your primary source for news.
  • You think you are constitutionally protected from being offended.
  • You mock beautiful conservative women and (just coincidentally of course) happen to be a butch hag.
  • You mock Sarah Palin for getting help with her book but don’t care if unrepentant terrorist Bill Ayers wrote Dreams From My Father for Obama.
  • Trump’s exaggeration about “thousands” of celebrators is more important to you than Hillary’s “thousands” of lies.
  • You think that people named “Herman” should change their name to “Person’sperson.”
  • You support Islam but don’t know Sharia Law from Shania Twain.
  • You are tolerant of all the diverse people who agree 100% with your Liberal ideology.
  • You mock tea-party goers by calling them teabaggers, but you’re actually a real teabagger, yourself.
  • It’s someone else’s fault that you never take personal responsibility.
  • You think you can borrow your way out of debt.
  • Your whole family for 7 generations voted for Obama. Three times.
  • You think you can tax your way to a better economy.
  • You think a messiah would actually need a teleprompter to speak coherently.
  • You bought a breathalizer for your son’s asthma.
  • You have such a swelled head that it takes two days for a good suggestion to go in one ear and out the other.
  • Your dog has a lawyer.
  • You see the sign “FREE SYRIANS” and ask where you can get one.
  • You prefer the certainty of death in the womb over the risk of death fighting a war for our freedom.
  • You had Tofurkey for Thanksgiving dinner.
  • Your reaction to “hatemongers” like Rush and Beck is to destroy their careers and make their lives as miserable as possible.
  • You smoke Marlboros but won’t take cold medicine because it’s “chemicals.”
  • You believe in man-made global warming even if it’s not man-made. Or global. Or warming.
  • You have nothing in common with undocumented workers because you’re documented and you don’t work.
  • You think pirating cable, CDs, etc., is perfectly okay because those companies make so much money, anyway.
  • You think of a thief as an “undocumented appropriations agent.”
  • Your idea of a bad day is when the local grocer won’t take food stamps for your liquor.
  • You think Grape Nuts is an STD.
  • You think the free world would be so much better off if everyone just lived exactly the way you believe they should live.
  • You can’t read this because it’s not tiped n fonix.
  • Your business card says, “Performing Artist Trainer, 13-yr olds a specialty.”
  • You’re all Sham and no Wow.
  • You have ACLU on speed dial.
  • You’d rather see thousands of innocent Americans die than splash water on a terrorist.
  • You have child protective services on speed dial to report all the parents in your neighborhood for breathing the wrong way.
  • The unemployment rate doesn’t bother you because you don’t want a job anyway.
  • You think there’s a big difference between a Che shirt and a Hitler shirt.
  • You prefer Mao (who killed 70 million) over Hitler (who killed 7 million), perhaps because Hitler was an underachiever.
  • You cavity-search the old blue-haired white lady at the airport instead of the Muslim chanting “death to america” because you don’t want to be accused of “profiling.”
  • You sue your boss for religious harassment because he uses a Cross pen.
  • You are an expert on the Bible and what Jesus would do, even though you never actually read it.
  • You’re so far from the truth you can’t see it with the Hubble space telescope.
  • You can’t enter a room with truth in it because you’d risk a matter-antimatter explosion.
  • You know what Kwanzaa is.
  • You wish someone would kill Rush and Beck because they spread hate.
  • You brag about Cuba and Venezuela but won’t give us a break and move there.
  • You believe in change but don’t think it applies to your underwear.
  • You think wearing a ribbon helps cure AIDS.
  • You are afraid to look at the NY Times best seller list.