This Thanksgiving, Let's All Remember: Doesn't America REALLY Suck? I mean, C'mon!

Yep, we conservatives…

What a bunch of losers. What a bunch of knuckle-dragging rubes. Hayseeds, really.

I mean, really. We’re all going forward now, thank goodness. Who but a bunch of cro-magnons would want to drag us back? America is a racist, homophobic, misogynistic, paternalistic  police state– and only the election of Barack Obama has saved us from this horrific, nightmarish path.

Look at Paul Ryan, for crying out loud. He yearns for the good ol’ days of Ward Cleaver and Andy Griffith. Andy Griffith is code for “Bull Connor”. Everybody knows that. Just because Andy Griffith AND Bull Connor were raging, life-long New Deal Democrats doesn’t mean a thing.


Ppff. The 1950’s? Really? Just because median household incomes rose more quickly between the years 1946 and 1965 than at any time in world history, and more people entered the “middle” classes as a part of the overall population at any time in American history, who would want to go back to the 1950’s?


Look, we all know that Barack Obama is the great harbinger of Today’s Youth, and looking back at the 1950’s is for old fuddy-duds. Just because the average age in the United States today is 46.5, and it was 19.3 when John Kennedy was inaugurated doesn’t mean we are not a lot more youth-oriented today.

It was just old and stuffy back then– even though America was mostly filled with young men and women. I mean, you can just feel the youthfulness, the vigor today at any Occupy Wall Street gathering, where the average protester is on Medicare– or at the most recent Rolling Stones concert, even though no one in the audience is younger than 85.

Today is so much more hip.


Plus, it was nothing but a bunch of racist Republicans turning the fire-hoses on the Negroes in Birmingham in the 1950’s. I mean, just because it was Republican Dwight Eisenhower that sent the 101st Airborne to escort nine black students into Little Rock High School to give some teeth to the Brown decision didn’t mean he wasn’t really an old white racist.

I mean, look: Just because the first post-reconstruction appointment of a black to the Federal District bench was made by William Howard Taft (Republican) in 1912, and confirmed by the Republican Senate, doesn’t mean we aren’t a bunch of Racists. America really sucks, doesn’t it? Even though only fifty years after the end of the Civil War, and exactly 100 years since the appointment of Robert Heberton Terrell, racism is virulent in the land. And just because most other nations on earth are far more intolerant of ethnic minorities– try finding a black guy in Seoul who isn’t in the military–, doesn’t mean America doesn’t suck.

Thanksgiving in particular is a great time to prove how much we suck, and how backward conservative Christians are. It’s a good thing there are so many good Democrats out there to remind us how much we want to put y’all back in chains, too. I mean, just because it was Christians from the Scottish Enlightenment that pollinated our own Second Great Awakening, and who brought about an end to the African Slave Trade in America, lit a match to women’s suffrage, and kindled modern municipal sanitation doesn’t mean Christians aren’t a bunch of stump-toothed cast-offs from Deliverance.


No, really, we have nothing to be Thankful for, really, other than the re-election of Barack Obama. We simply hadn’t progressed as a society until a fortnight ago..

Just because we fought a war to end slavery over 150 years ago — a war that killed nearly 800,000 fighting men, according to the most up-to-date figures– doesn’t mean we aren’t racist. And certainly having a black president, black muli-millionaire entertainment stars, and athletes, and Supreme Court Justices, and scientists and astronauts and, and, golfers from Calvin Peete to Tiger Woods, doesn’t mean we Americans –especially us conservative Americans– don’t come running to the dog whistles of racism.

Nope. America sucks.

Especially now, at Thanksgiving: Don’t ever forget how lousy we are, how grotesque our history is, how vile our traditions are. Forget all that clap-trap about the sovereign individual, and the Nature of Man, and of Nature’s God. Quit talking about our traditions; they are all out-moded now, anyway. We are entering a New Era now.

Even if that era seems a lot like a era when tiny boatloads of persecuted folks got in leaky boats and sailed for weeks upon cold and stormy seas to get away from it all…


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