I am a Victim of Liberal Harassment; I Now Want My Five-Figure "Settlement"...

So, an “uncomfortable environment” is all it takes to be harassed. That, and — wait for it–  be “offended“. Oh: and the “hand gestures“, too.

You liberals out there wanna stick to that definition? You wanna die on that hill?

All rightee, then:

As a traditional, conservative white Christian male, I am often forced to live my very life in an “uncomfortable environment“. Simply doing that –living my life, trying to raise my children as I see fit– I am nearly always “offended” by the culture, by the daunting mountain of liberal jurisprudence, by amorphous and pernicious liberal federal, state and local laws.  This intolerable environment has been entirely created by the paragons of the left– and now we all are obliged to wallow in it. Every time I turn around, my sensibilities are assaulted, my core values are trampled. And I am finally speaking up. I won’t stay in the liberal-man created closet anymore. I am Coming Out.

It all began in the 1960’s, when the lay-about draft-dodgers and various other hoodlums decided it would be best to set alight scores of cities in the south in the wake of the assassination of Martin Luther King. My mom thereupon cancelled our family’s only plans we ever made to travel to Florida that spring of 1968 to pick up my Gramma and Grampa in Bradenton saying, “I didn’t think it was a good time to bring a half-Jewish, half-Catholic family into the deep south with two people that were too young to run, and two that were too old.” It was the hostile environment these hoodlums created that cost me a treasured memory with my childhood family that I can never get back. Liberal mobocracy stole it from me, and I want compensation. Five figures would be nice; have the attorneys work it up, and fax it in.

And the offensive, uncomfortable Liberal environment created in this nation has only gotten worse. And the “hand gestures” coming out of Washington are very, very offensive.

Their “sexual revolution” has resulted in the ultimate “uncomfortable environment“: Everytime I watch football with my son, I am assaulted by Viagra, Cealis and Levitra  ads, and I have to quickly mute the TV so I don’t have to explain what “ED” is, and why it’s such a big-deal problem in our nation. I have to watch (even on the pedestrian Food Network), as females talk about their “wives”, and I am forced to accept that this is somehow normal. I am offended by this hostile, uncomfortable environment.

Ten thousand Americans die each year in automobile accidents they might otherwise survive, but for Corporate Average Fuel Economy standards that were thrown up in the horrific liberal Carter years. These unneeded collisions are an “offensive environment” if there ever was one. And, I’m sure there were quite a few “hand gestures” thrown around at the touch-point of these auto accidents, too. All the more reason I deserve compensation.

I am forced by your offensive environment to order my coffee in a cheap paper cup that scalds my hands and makes the coffee cold, when I really want to order it in a styrofoam cup– but I can’t because you liberals have cowed all the coffee purveyors into your tight-fitting and narrow rules about the shibboleths of landfills and recycling. I have a hostile, offensive and crude work environment because I am forced to use toilets (using hand-gestures) that don’t evacuate the bowl unless I flush it five times, and have to stand there and watch everything swirling around for five minutes, getting more creeped out with each passing moment. Why do I have to endure this? Because of Liberal Harassment.

Liberal Harassment is very quiet, and very stealthy, and has wormed its way into polite society. What used to be called “Christmas Vacation” is now called “Winter Holiday”, for example, and I feel shamed when I have to return a cheery “Thank you!” to such greetings when the check-out gal at Ace Hardware calls out “Happy Holidays!” as I purchase my $15-per-bag non-sodium ice-melter. Er, I mean, check-out “person”.

No, we must fight the subtle effects of Liberal Harassment.

Every Mid-March I become very shamed, very uncomfortable when I am forced into the tight-fitting corset that the IRS wraps around me. They physically compel me, against my will, to fill out reams of forms and papers. It is a very hostile environment giving these people every conceivable bit of minutiae about my personal life, including how much money I donate to my church, how much my wife’s medications cost, what my house is worth, and what my income is… to the penny. THAT’s Liberal Harassment, and I demand compensation.

From the warning labels in three languages on my new water heater, to “Gay Marriage” laws, to the clap-trap curriculum at the public schools, we are all victims of Liberal Harassment. And, now that it has been firmly established by the contemporary and idiotic rules for Presidential Primaries is that all we need to do is level the charge of being offended and made uncomfortable, I think we all, as Conservatives, have viable, actionable claims.

I have a sinking feeling though that, like a black woman in the 1920’s rural south, all I’ll ever get is a great big Hand Gesture.