Good Evening.

As you are already aware, I am commanding the end of the American Military Presence in Iraq. I don’t think there is any question that America’s role as an imperial, racist and destructive bourgeoisie power must be drastically reduced, if not outright removed from the circles of the world. This has always been an unstated goal of mine, although, as you also are aware, I could never run for this office by giving voice to this opinion, and have any hope of getting elected. But, through the clear wisdom of the American People, I am now the duly elected President of the United States, and I will do all in my power to see that my progressive agenda is followed to the utmost, and that America can become that nation we fellow American progressives have always known it could one day become.  As I’ve said often in the past, ‘We are the Ones We’ve been waiting for’.

There is no greater symbol of American destructive power than its Military. All branches of our Armed Forces, from the Air Force, that rains death from thousands of feet in anonymous comfort, to our Navy that eats up vital natural resources and befouls our pristine oceans, to our Army that is perhaps the most backward expression of man’s violent nature, to the Marines, whose very existence as a blot upon the payroll of the American People I am hard pressed to explain, our Armed Forces must be rebuilt to confront the real perils that all citizens of the world will face in the days and years to come.

From this moment on, I will rededicate our Armed Forces. As part of that rededication, they will henceforth be known as our International Outreach Corps. From now on, our Air Forces will be used only to rescue refugees (especially our Palestinian brothers and sisters who continue to be enslaved) from their oppressors, and only at the host nations request. Their bomb-bays shall henceforth carry the politically oppressed out of world hot-spots, and carry in much needed food and supplies. Our navy will strictly hear the call of Mother Nature’s emergencies, from helping with the clean-up of America’s polluting past, to helping convoy important environmental science programs from our partners around the world, including Venezuela, Zimbabwe, and North Korea.

America must be made to atone for it oftentimes complex and sinful past. As you know, I’ve done my utmost to apologize for this past. We as United States citizens may not all agree, but, that is not important when important work needs to be undertaken. A fundamental first step in this process is the remaking of our very nature as a nation that projects its power and might with guns and bombs, rather than with the power of our ideas. Therefore, we must all agree that an Army, a Navy, an Air Force, and so on, are counterproductive to this very mission, and, over time, we must strive to severely reduce their size, their influence, and hopefully, their hateful mission entirely.

I must admit to you that I have never understood the need for any Armed Forces. If America would simply stand as an exemplar to the world, be a shining light of understanding and tolerance, where we allow only men and women of good will to influence our foreign policy, our great brotherhood of nations around this small globe would understand that we mean them no harm, and we could stand down our offensive military  posture, in much the same way that Guatemala has for over thirty years.

I have never had any fraternity with the men whose brute strength comprises the military. They are utterly foreign to me. I never knew any active military people when I was growing up, I never spoke with them before I became president, and I was hoping I could severely curtail my interaction with them once I became their so-called ‘commander-in-chief’. This, I think, is true for most Americans. Frankly, the uniform of the United States military embarrasses me, and puts me in mind of the racist rolly-polly police officers I routinely came into contact with as a young college student. It is my opinion that most of the enlightened citizens of our nation feel the same way about these people, and it is my stated policy from this moment on that we treat our former service personnel with the pity they deserve, and give them all of the re-education and job training they may need in the years to come to become productive servants of the state and its people.

I telephoned ex-president George W. Bush today, and it was all I could do to wish him a good life. Like most of the military, this man embarrasses me. He is a throwback to a time when America thought it was a great nation, greater than other nations, and that its greatness should be thrust on others. I despise his Texas accent and his swaggering bravado. I think most of you do, too. I asked Mr. Bush if he would kindly let the American people know he thinks it is appropriate to build and Islamic Cultural Center in lower Manhattan, New York. I am quite certain he feels the same way about this that I do, and that most progressive and enlightened Americans feel, as well.

While the death of any man or woman may be a tragedy, some are more tragic than others. Those that choose to join our racist, violent Armed Forces may expect a certain level of violence to be brought on their own heads, and should not be celebrated in any way. This is no time for a victory lap, and I am uncomfortable with the very concept of military victory.

As a progressive, it is my nature to look at the vast, vast resources we spend on our Military Industrial Complex, and not see the possibilities: If we simply redirected these resources to where they were really needed, we could fully fund our teachers retirement pensions, we could make universal healthcare not just a bit of unwieldy legislation, but a fully paid-for right for all Americans that deserve it. We could purchase outright those employers that don’t understand the mission of our new Progressive America, and as a bit of Social Justice, make them work in the sweatshops to which they gave birth. We could make sure that any young teenage mother could have instant access to safe, convenient, medically sound abortion procedures, and lifetime follow-up. Finally, we could institute a Manhattan Project for Clean Energy, where we could dedicate our vast American financial resources to finally invent those Clean Energy technologies that the former private sector simply refused to invent.

And so, my fellow citizens, I hope you will welcome home those returning members of our new International Outreach Corps from their hateful mission in Iraq, and tell them how much you look forward to their new role, and how much you welcome them back to the world of refinement, tolerance, discourse, and peace. I know all the world leaders with whom I’ve spoken, from President Chavez, to President Ahmadinejad, to Prime Minister Putin already are enthusiastically supporting their new role.

I know you will join me in supporting it, too. Thank you, and good night.