Another Bambi Diary. This one I wrote awhile back. It’s less topical now than it was – but hopefully y’all will still get it. My mom loves it – but it is rather goofy. ( I am a clown, after all)
Dear New York Times,
I have discovered the secrets of weight loss and wellness – please publish them immediately because I know your readers are at a loss to do anything and desperately need my help.
Back in January I started drinking milk again – I’d read that it causes weight loss and it’s true! I lost a couple pounds. So then, I started thinking: if milk is good, ice cream’s probably better. Now I’ve lost 20!
Critics told me that eating a pint of Haagen Daz every day wouldn’t do anything to reduce my waistline and – if anything would make me gain weight and perhaps develop diabetes down the road but that’s because they’re status quo worshipping fools who are blinded by hatred, idealogical rigidity and dairy phobia. The pounds are off and you can be assured that not only did I lose 20 pounds but – more importantly – I saved myself from gaining 485,000 pounds. I’ve rescued my body and prevented what would have almost certainly been death by obesity.
(The haters persist in pretending the weight loss would’ve happened anyway due to the 6 miles I run a day. Yeah. WHATEVER.)
Anyway, now that I’ve unlocked the secret of rapid weight loss it’s time to rid the world of disease! Times, I have to tell ya. Earlier this year I was sooo sick – horrific sinus infection and ear ache and like, congestion and everything. It was the worst illness in a generation and, of course, 100% the fault of President Bush and his party who have controlled Congress and the White House for the last 8 years and generated bad vibes and stuff that infected the air. Anyway, things were looking bleak and there was no end in sight until I used Netflix’s instant viewing option and watched “The Good, The Bad and The Ugly”! Sure enough my pain ebbed and I started to heal.
My mother had had the chance to impliment her method – which involved the same tired ideas she brings up every time I get sick (going to the doctor, taking medicine) that morning. I’d humored her by going to the see a man in a white coat – but I came out feeling no better than before. I took the little white thing he prescribed and it made no difference. If anything all the walking around just made me feel worse. It wasn’t until afterwards when I laid down on the couch, drank fluids and watched Clint Eastwood that I started to feel better. (My aunt has pneumonia and I’ve been desperately trying to get her to watch “Dirty Harry” but she won’t do it. Maybe if you guys publish this she’ll finally take responsibility for her health!)
There are people who say it was actually the policy my mother instituted that caused me to get better, but these people are stupid and they should stop talking.
You see I’m always right. Even if I’m wrong. Things would always have come out better if people would’ve listened to me. Take the so called “Surge” for example. People say it “worked” and – in a limited sort of way it has – ( I don’t expect lesser intellects to fully grasp the ways it hasn’t) but, you see we will never know what would’ve happened if MY plan ( playing ping pong with Osama and handing out free dental floss) had been implimented instead.
It’s really no more stupid than the “Stimulus” package. 😉