Ayatollah Garcetti Decrees Los Angeles Shoppers and Employees Must Wear Pandemic Hijab

(AP Photo/Richard Vogel)

Los Angeles Mayor Eric Garcetti talks during an interview with the Associated Press in Los Angeles on Thursday Aug. 16, 2018. Garcetti, who already has visited the important presidential states of Iowa and New Hampshire, told The Associated Press he’ll likely make a decision on his candidacy in the first three months of 2019. He also talked about his efforts to resolve chronic issues LA issues of traffic and homelessness. (AP Photo/Richard Vogel)

It was only a matter of time.

In Los Angeles (aka ‘Woke Tehran’), Mayor and Most Supreme High Ayatollah Eric Garcetti (peace be upon him) has decreed that shoppers must cover their faces when visiting the businesses His Grand Holiness has graciously allowed to remain open during the Wuhan virus life shutdown.

Employees lucky enough to still be allowed to earn a living also must don the pandemic hijab. ABC7 Los Angeles reports:

Garcetti is signing an executive order to take effect Friday requiring employees at non-medical businesses such as grocery stores, taxis, hotels, restaurants and others that remain open to wear cloth face coverings over their mouths and noses while at work. Employers will be required to provide the masks or reimburse employees who buy their own.

Now in addition to a shortage of toilet paper and soap, Angelinos can look forward to a shortage of bandanas. Some worry it might become difficult to separate stick-up bandits from citizens out for a quart of milk.

The expert consensus up until very recently was that low-quailty masks do nothing to stop the transmission of the Wuhan virus. Dr William Schaffner of the Vanderbilt University School of Medicine said on March 1 that buying masks is a “psychological thing” rather than a viable defense.

One Angelino, who asked to remain anonymous, said he has plans for an alternative pandemic hijab:

I bought a jockstrap at Walmart. I’ll put it on my head upside down, so that the pouch that usually holds your frank and beans covers my mouth and nose, and tie it in the back.

I don’t have any resentment about the Ayatollah’s decree at all, and please make sure you print that. It doesn’t matter if masks might not work in a science-y sense. What’s important is that we all signal to each other how much we feel and care, and how much we wish to obey the wishes of His Grand Holiness, as he tries to set up his 2024 presidential run.

The wearing of underwear in odd ways has a precedent in hilarious dictatorships, as featured in Woody Allen’s film ‘Bananas’:

Subjects of the city of Los Angeles should consider themselves lucky Ayatollah Garcetti has been so liberal in his face-coverings decree. ABC7 reports from a community adjacent to the city of Los Angeles:

Even stricter rules are in place in San Bernardino County where anyone leaving their house must cover their face. If someone disobeys the order, it is considered a crime under health and safety code. People will be subject to fines and even misdemeanor charges.

No word as yet on whether punishments will include public flogging for refusing to wear the pandemic hijab.

As of writing, medical experts have still issued no comment on whether they plan to change their minds several more times on the usefulness of the pandemic hijab, or how long Angelinos will be forced to wear them or face punishment.