This just in: people multi-task while driving!
Shock and horror set in at the White House as the ever clear-headed and important people leading our country tackled another hot button time sensitive issue.
Thus, the Obama Administration embarked on a “Texting Summit” to decide what to do about this epidemic.
As a resident of the Peoples’ Republic of New Jersey, I live under a system that already criminalizes texting while driving.
So, as the nation prepares to live under a federal texting while driving ban, let me give you some advice on how to deal with it.
In NJ, we simply text or talk on the phone while driving anyway, and then if we see a cop, we throw the phone on the passenger seat. If talking, we tell the person on the other line to hold on because “there’s a cop” and if texting, we simply resume texting after the cop is out of sight.
This is a small issue, but actually speaks to a much larger one.
If we are going to ban cell phone use while driving, it is high time we prohibit the following also while driving:
A. Applying make-up while driving (unless of course the woman is so ugly that make-up is necessary for her to enter society and not frighten children.)
C. Changing the radio/skipping a track on the CD/scrolling through your library on your Ipod.
D. Having children in the car (way too distracting)
E. Eating while driving.
While is important to have laws on the books regarding real threats to society such as drinking and driving, the current level of micromanaging the every nuance of everyday life is ridiculous.
Any rational person (which admittedly rules out liberals) can see that placing laws on the books regarding phone use while driving are impractical and useless.
More importantly, they continue down the slippery slope that only government knows what is best for us and that they should enact 1,000 page bills regulating every aspect of our lives.
To sum up the liberal view of freedom:
1. Freedom of Speech is important, but only for liberals (and atheists and muslims.) If you are a conservative, white, straight, and/or a Christian you need to be silenced for the good of mankind. All efforts must be made to silence anyone who doesn’t fantasize about sleeping with Obama or hot liberal siren Helen Thomas.
2. Freedom of choice is important. And by choice, we mean state-sponsored infanticide. When it comes to killing babies and/or using taxpayer money to do so, people who disagree on this “deeply personal” issue need to shut up or be branded as terrorist threats by our State Department despite a 30+ year history of less than 10 incidents of violence. When it comes to terrorists who actually declare “Jihad” on us and kill thousands of us over centuries, or even sell us into slavery as in the Barbary wars of the early 1800s, there must be understanding and open dialogue of this “religion of peace.”
3. Freedom of the press is important only when evil men like Bush and Cheney try to defeat our enemy. Once we are in power, anyone with a harsh word or tough question will be sent into exile.
4. Freedom in terms of privacy is important, except when we want your land to develop a new shopping mall on, or if it involves you owning guns, or if it involves you raising your own kids, or if it involves you getting a job that will provide you with healthcare.
5. Freedom from “double jeopardy” or even single jeopardy exists only if you are a liberal. You can literally get drunk while philandering on the town, drive your car off a bridge, leave the “other woman” in the car to drown, use your meaty paws to drag your enormously swollen gin-soaked body out of the water, and within 10 years run for president and go on to be the “conscience of the senate.” If you are a Republican, even if you have a stable marriage, we will make up lies about you on blogs and say that you are divorcing your husband. We will also file ethics complaints against you 20 times for virtually the same thing over and over again.
Just so that you are clear, the texting thing isn’t a big deal, but it is the tip of the iceberg. These folks’ view of America is seen through “Cuba-colored” glasses where they know best and you bend over.
To them, that’s utopia.
Personally, I’m for freedom.