A Modest Proposal for Increasing the Funding of Planned Parenthood

Living in a midnight blue district, while it gives a Christian, pro-life conservative many opportunities to point his neighbors to the reality and consequences of the biblical God’s sovereign ownership of all that is, also tends to minimize the time one can spend in actual primary campaigns. But it does give one time to think a little outside the box. So:

I propose that the federal funding of Planned Parenthood, in an effort to restore the greatness of its eponymous purpose, be increased in fiscal 2016 by up to an additional 500%, to be allocated as follows:

a) up to an additional 300% for the implementation of a new service (below, in “c”);

b) up to an additional 150% to be distributed, in cash, to every female who, upon requesting an abortion, opts instead for the cash and the new procedure (below, in “c”);

c) up to an additional 50% to be distributed, in cash, to the male identified by said female as the father, upon successful completion of a procedure intended to render him permanently incapable of creating a similar outcome (this is “c”, remember?), using only existing tools and anesthetics (hence no capital outlay) that would have been used in the requested abortion.

The following provisos will apply:

1. In all cases, the female’s choice, under advisement from Planned Parenthood, will be final; the male’s appeal will be held to have occurred several months earlier.

2. In the event of rape or incest, the male will undergo the procedure, but the female will receive his share of the additional funding.

3. In no case will Planned Parenthood, any female, or any male, receive any of the additional funding if an abortion is performed.

4. Congress shall oversee Planned Parenthood to ensure that the potential additional funds are being spent, and shall reduce original funding proportionately if they are not.

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