Quarantined! If You Value Your Lives, Don't Come To OurMy Town

Some of you already know that I live in the Worst Place in The World. We who live here–the ubiquitous “they”–are among the Worst People in The World. TheyWe are born Liberal, live Liberal, think Liberal, work Liberal, vote Liberal, die Liberal; then TheyWe are worshipped Liberal by all TheirOur Liberal brood, in saecula saeculorum, Ommmm[1].

Before the Great Quarantine, but at a time still within the collectivist memory, there was great fear among ThemUs. In those days TheyWe kept hearing fell rumors that the Rational, the Wise, the Ancient and the Holy, would invade, crush TheirOur brittle defenses, and drive ThemUs into the Sea, or far worse, suck out OurMy very minds and replace them with hideous, alien Revealed Propositional Truth and an odious, objective History–the latter more likely given TheirOur Achilles’ heel of constant accomodation and surrender in place of fighting for Subjective Survival. But the fear is palpably receding as news of the Quarantine spreads.

Even so, in fleeting moments of weakness like the present, WeI feel compelled to re-issue the rationale for the Quarantine, though you have doubtless heard them all before.

It cannot be overemphasized that the Orders of Separation have NOTHING to do, as popularly mis-imagined, with the increasing incidence of Pelagian Flu in both your and OurMy parts of The World. For starters, naysayers to the contrary, that is NEVER fatal, as you and WeI should well know–come, let’s admit the truth, it can actually produce quite pleasant side-effects! But WeI digress. By this point you on the Outside and WeI on the Inside have actually experienced the Evolution of the Two Dominant Strains. So those of ThemUs on the Inside can continue to enjoy the Liberating ramifications of knowing that, since all mankind already carries the seeds of divinity within, the old shibboleths and taboos were but troubling shades of the night, now evaporating in the glorious Antinomian dawn! And wonderfully, you on the Outside, knowing that your souls are yours alone, are free to extract all joy from the intoxicating fountain of Moralistic Legalism, secure in knowing that your own inherent righteousness exceeds OursMine.

No, the rationale for the Quarantine was never the Flu–for both you and WeI know that each Strain provides Immunity to the other. As condescending as it may sound, the real reason for the Travel Bans which have so remarkably succeeded, is OurMy concern for your own well-being here on the Other Side. WeI are deeply worried that you would simply be devastated by the thoroughness with which we would, well, simply IGNORE you were you to come here!

Now WeI know some will tell you their have been reports that OurMy town has been infiltrated, not merely by passers-through, but actually by those who claim to live in OurMy neighborhoods and work in OurMy offices and shop in OurMy stores and, hateful thought! teach OurMy children and befriend UsMe and attempt to convince UsMe of the objective consistency of their ways. May it never be–The implications are horrific! But WeI know full well that you will never pay attention to those scandalous lies! And how do WeI know this? Because WeI regularly hear, in word and non-deed, from so many on the outside who say EXACTLY what WeI have said from the beginning: Conservatism can never work on This Side, will never work on This Side, must never be thought possible to work on This Side. In your current state of health, it would be unthinkable to consider moving among such robust specimens as OurMySelvesSelf!

So please, if you value your well-being, nay your lives, please remind your loved ones of the futility and dire consequences of breaking the Quarantine. WeI know that you on the Outside have many wonderful things to keep you happy and occupied and quite free from our concerns–all that This World can offer!


[1] final word directly lifted with gratitude from the insightful Religion article by Lisa Miller in a recent Newsweek, quoted in the opening minutes of the 11/08/2009 White Horse Inn broadcast A Survey of Christian Faith and Practice.