dateline: toadlynotrealnews,October 29,2008, (me) reporting

In a surprise announcement this morning, NFL spokesperson Nina Allenburger said:

“In today’s football world, we have too much disparity between the ‘name brand’ ‘popular’ players, and the third or fourth string ‘generic’ players. We in the NFL realize that the fans come to the games to see their favorite big stars, so that’s who we put on the field. But this doesn’t mean our lesser-known players shouldn’t get a fair share of the glory.”

According to Allenburger, the plan will not effect any player’s salary or benefits.

“It’s not a financial redistribution. 100% of all NFL players will receive absolutely no change in pay and benefits under this plan,” she maintained. “The inequality is not so much a financial problem as one of statistics. Take the Saints, for example. So far this season, the Saints have scored 27 touchdowns, 15 passing, 9 rushing, and 3 punt returns by Reggie Bush. Of the 22 offensive-team goals, 11 were scored by only three players, Devery Henderson, Lance Moore, and Reggie Bush. Add to that Reggie Bush’s three punt returns and you get these same three players…THREE PLAYERS….getting credit for better than fifty per cent of all the team’s touchdowns.

Asked by this reporter (me) to elaborate on the exact workings of this new plan, Allenburger explained:

“What we’re planning is a little leveling formula that will take some of the glory stats away from the big-name players – who obviously have more than they need – and share them around among the no-name-recognition third and fourth stringers who never actually get to play in a real game.”

As the exact formula to be used has not been fully worked out yet, Allenburger was unable to provide specific numbers and examples of how much this would take from any one player, or give to any other.

Allenburger continued:

“As we saw on Monday Night Football this week, the Titans’ LenDale White really doesn’t need to pad his stats with any more touchdowns this year. Between White and Chris Johnson, as another example of this disparity we’re trying to correct, these two players have scored 70% – I’m saying SEVENTY PER CENT – of all the Titans’ rushing TDs. It’s really not fair. This is not the American Way. Many of the third and fourth string players believe they could have scored those goals if they had been allowed on the field.”

Allenburger declined to name any players in particular who held this belief, so this reporter (me) did some research among the benchwarmers, after first assuring them that no names would be used in this article. Many of those who would speak to me seemed to be okay with the plan, but some were more enthusiastic than most, and some were definitely against the whole idea.

One wide receiver thought his career could probably benefit from one or two touchdowns, even if they weren’t really his, because, as he put it, “That’s what they write on the trading cards, right? If it’s on the card, then it’s official. If it’s on MY card, the I did it.”

Two defensive second stringers, with one sack between them to their credit, had a different take on the situation.

“I don’t know why they are worrying about ‘level,’ all the (expletive deleted) fields are level. When are they gonna get some heat at Lambeau, that’s what I wanna know.” His companion mentioned the lack of “air in the air” in Denver. Both thought the idea of “leveling the playing field” was a little silly. “It’s not Bowling for Dollars out there.”

However, there were several potential future “stars” who were upset with the plan. “I don’t want nobody else’s points, but my points are my points, and my stats are my stats, and that’s all I got to say on the subject,” said one, before returning to practice.

Another said, “This kinda (expetive deleted) would never be happening if Condi would of took the (expletive deleted)job.”

This reporter (me) was impressed by one particularly good-looking third string tight end. We sat in a dark corner of Antoine’s Bar and Grill. We had both ordered “David’s Buttery Nuts” – patent pending. As we were sipping on them, he mentioned the “celebrity endorsement” problem.

“I’m cute, I know it. The women drool, the men drool. But if I’m not the leading receiver for my team, I don’t get the endorsement. I could loose millions, I’m talking millions, in advertising. I mean, technically, she’s correct, my salary and benefits are unchanged, but I still face the possibility of serious fiduciary damages. Are they going to compensate me for that?”

One very common attitude was summed up by another player:

“They got this game rigged from (expletive deleted) to (expletive deleted) and back, they ain’t never gonna let this man on the field. Ain’t never gonna get my chance, never. I got rights just like anybody else, and if they get stats, then I oughtta get some stats too. If they ain’t gonna let me play, it’s only fair they give me what’s due.”

Neverthless, one player who insisted that I do use his name, nicely wrapped up the prevailing attitude. Joe Plumber put it this way:

“If they really want us to have stats, all they have to do is put us in the game. Most of us, if we’re in the game, I gay-ron-tee you right now, we WILL get stats. We know the fans are here to see Eli, or Brett, or whoever, but if we’re in the game, I gay-ron-tee you right now, we will get our own fans, too. Just put us in the game. That’s all. Let us make our own stats, they want us to have stats so bad. I don’t want Eli’s stats. I don’t want Elway’s stats, I want MY OWN stats, and when I get them, I’m gonna want to keep them for myself, and thank you very much.”

Lance Moore, Reggie Bush, Chris Johnson, LenDale White, Devery Henderson, Eli, Elway, and Brett were unavailable for comment.

(end of silly post)

acknowledgements:

This post was inspired and edited by Pedro aka Kid #1, who is running for President in 2016. Any help you can offer to keep him alive, fed, clothed, and housed until that time is greatly appreciated, and may be tax deductible.

“David’s Buttery Nuts” patent pending by David aka Kid #2…and don’t ask what’s in it….just sip…. mmmmmm….yummie…