Post-mortem on Osama Bin Laden

Americans rightfully celebrated Osama Bin Laden’s demise. Now, they have returned to the routine of life under the continual threat of jihadist violence. This includes preparing for anticipated reprisals by Mohamadans seeking revenge for the death of their poster boy. Before closing this chapter of Islam’s war against the Free World, a bit of review and some plans for the future are needed.

Soon after seeing reports that American forces had killed Osama bin Laden, I initially questioned the whereabouts of his corpse. Eventually after scanning various channels for more than an hour, the journalists announced that his body had been dumped into the Arabian Sea. While awaiting confirmation, I began to formulate a suitable fate for the cadaver. Although the United States Navy has disposed of Bin Laden’s remains, I offer these suggestions, both as an exercise in retributive brainstorming and ideas for any other Islamists eradicated in the future.

The American government could have exploited his corpse as a prop for videos to dishearten jihadis. His carcass could have been shown with a beer in one hand and a pork chop in the other, sitting on a beach in a Speedo man-bikini, apparently gawking at sunbathing beauties. This would have included captions indicating that Obama had renounced Islam after realizing what a miserable existence that he had endured following the absurd dictates of a seventh century criminal from Arabia. This first proposal combines the film Weekend at Bernie’s with hedonistic Koranic portrayals of paradise spun by the fabricator of Islam.

The Navy Seals could have attached some underwater cameras to Bin Laden before they dumped his body. Arrangements for pay-per-viewing would have been established so people could have seen his remains. The segment of the population who enjoys so-called “reality shows” would have loved this type of broadcast. Perhaps those hungering for ultimate justice could have been satiated by watching aquatic life forms feasting on him. British Petroleum managed to submerge a camera to monitor its leaking oil rig in the Gulf of Mexico long before it found a solution to the problem. Why should the federal government not have generated some revenue from the former “Public Enemy Number One” considering all that he had cost us?

Another possibility of benefiting financially from Bin Laden’s departure for Hell involves selling the jihadi’s carcass. Uncle Sam would have placed his corpse up for public auction for museums to purchase with the proceeds going to paying for the costs of combating against his fellow jihadis. I prefer that alternative to raising taxes. His digestive tract would have been stuffed with scraps of rancid pork and his body dressed in an outfit made of dog fur after it had been embalmed.

Continuing in the vein of incorporating Bin Laden’s cadaver into efforts to raise revenue for the federal government, what if it were publicly displayed at Ground Zero? I envisage a spectacle similar to that inflicted on Benito Mussolini’s corpse after his execution. People would have paid a fee for five seconds with his body to spit upon, kick, punch or otherwise defile as long as they do not unsecure it from its moorings. I suspect that competitions would have occurred in which Americans wait in line for their opportunity to inflict humiliation then try to outperform those who have already had their chance. Repeat business would have resulted, thus, increasing the profits to pay down the debt from the anti-jihadist effort.

Perhaps a specific type of business would prefer to claim Bin Laden’s remains. A pork processing plant could have dumped his corpse in a pit which is used for disposal of swine excrement. That exhibit could have been turned into tourist attraction. The company could have made it the highlight of the tour of its facility. If breweries and candy-making operations can invite customers inside their plants for tours, why should a pork processor not follow the same model?

Osama Bin Laden’s body could have been buried somewhere in the United States with a public pay toilet installed on top of it. Not only would the tolls to use the toilet defray the costs of operating the facility, it could easily become a cash cow. Every civilized human being needs a toilet at some point. Why not use one that makes a statement against the savage whose ideology would have precluded the invention of an implementation of sanitation?

Finally, this operation has shattered any delusions of Pakistan’s importance in the struggle against jihadis. The Obama administration plus the American intelligence and armed forces conducted the operation to eliminate Bin Laden without involving or even informing Pakistan. Previous experiences have taught Americans that Islamists have infiltrated Pakistan’s military, intelligence services and law enforcement. With this in mind, all American aid to Pakistan should be halted immediately in order to stop funding this regime of double-talking backstabbers. Those who turned a blind eye to the presence of the most famous jihadi in the world for years inside a conspicuously high security compound in the vicinity of their capital should never receive another penny from the taxpayers of the United States.