Diary

Anthropogenic Plate Shifting

An issue generally ignored by the MSM and the US Congress is anthropogenic plate shifting.

All agree that the ideal state of the Earth is found in the Pangaea land mass as it existed about 250 million years ago.  What has happened since that idyllic time? Man made his appearance.

Since the appearance of man, the plate shifting has only accelerated.  What has really stepped on the accelerator is the appearance of United States of America.

It is the census of a majority of geologists that the industrialization and productivity of America has dramatically sped up the separation of the continents.  Prior to the appearance of America, the nation, the North American plate was moving at the maximum rate of 40 millimeters a year.  A majority of geologists estimate that this has increased to 41 or 42 millimeters a year because of American insatiability!

In a Star-Trekesque analogy, the consensus geologists explained that the presence of America is like washing machine with all the towels on one side during the spin cycle.  As Americans reproduce and acquire more stuff made from resources in one part of the world, it unequally distributes weight to America, especially to the West Coast.

A group of concerned geologists, Continental Geologists Against Plate Shifting, have proposed a legislative solutions.  This legislation would balance the North American continents in a two ways.  First, it would provide tax incentives for the obese on the West coast to move to the center of the country.  Second, the wealthy on the West coast would have to balance each new acquisition with an acquisition in the center of the country.  For example, if a Hollywood star buys a yacht, he would have to buy one (or its equivalent weight in lead) for someone in Kansas.  Their goal is to evenly distribute the towels in the spin cycle.

Radical groups like NOGAPS have proposed different solutions. They want everyone in North America to move themselves and their stuff to the East coast.  They want the Europeans to move to Portugal; the Africans to Morocco; South Americans to Easter Brazil.  They favor the literal reformation of Panagaea and think that this will help. Some ultra-radical splinter groups have even taken matters into their own hands, smuggling large rocks from CA to NC.

More moderate geologists opt for sensible solutions like fat and trade.  The coastal obese and acquisitive can purchase waivers for excessive weight and the money would be used to plant lead weights in the center of the country.

Whatever solution one opts for, doing nothing is not an option.  But there is a fear that unless an elegant and persuasive spokesman like Al Gore appears, there will always be plate acceleration deniers.

What does plate acceleration mean for America?  Every year we grow farther and farther away from our other continental brothers and sisters. Some say in billion years, we will be as far away from them as is possible. That would be bad, the geologists consensused.