My Occupy Thanksgiving (Yes, Still Relevant)

[The following is obviously dated. I wrote it a month ago while waiting to get a diary. The sentiment is still current, though, and I hope you enjoy.]

The following is my report, “How I spent my Occupy Thanksgiving.”

Lacking a turkey myself, I crashed the Thanksgiving celebration of another family. I let myself in the home and took the liberty of taking a seat at the table and banging a spoon on the plate before me as loudly as possible, demanding I be served an equal portion of all the food that those greedy one-percenters intended to consume without me. (As a minor note, they had first worked to earn money, then used money to buy food ingredients, then spent hours preparing that food, then serving it in that house that I’m just guessing they had to do that “work” thingee to pay for so they could live in it but without inviting me to live in it too, not that they know me because they don’t, but the point is we all deserve access to everything…but I digress).

Some obviously fascist members of the family wanted to physically evict me from their home. But the more progressive thinkers of the family realized how right it is to share, and they seemed to win out over the Nazis, who in any case I think had started to question their evil ways after considering the compelling case I made via spoon clanking.

I was served a lot of very tasty food. To return the favor, I offered them enlightenment. I held a mirror up to them to help them understand the evil nature of their bourgeoisie ways. I loudly and passionately lectured them between gulps of my food (but while chewing, of course) on the need to change the system, or abandon all systems, or something (not sure if I can’t remember or if I just never really had an actual point) such that everyone can have everything without sacrificing anything (well, except for pre-enlightenment one percenters like them who would have to sacrifice a small bit that they don’t deserve and wouldn’t notice anyway).

A few times during the brief moments when I was swallowing, one of them would try to address something I had told them, but I knew it was just one percenter BS so I put my iPod earphones in (blasting CSNY) to avoid being manipulated by their manipulative manipulations. (At one point someone at the table asked to borrow my iPod to listen to some music. I told her not to be so materialistic.)

I think I ended up eating more than anyone, which I explained to them was actually more fair than my taking an equal portion, because Marx long ago established the principle for food portions: “To each, according to his capacity.” The Nazis looked puzzled and disapproving, but the progressives got it.

I then occupied the bathroom for about an hour, the duration being the system’s fault, because regulations should have prevented them from serving cheesecake to someone like me who is lactose-intolerant. I thought the best way to draw society’s attention to this problem was to defy the conventional receptacle, as well as the conventional hygiene.

I wish I could report that my Occupy Thanksgiving was a success, but unfortunately no one thanked me as I left. I guess some people are either just too evil or just to stupid to get it.