Talking Turkey About Obamacare

Those lovable lunks who brought us Obamacare and healthcare.gov have another small favor to ask: As ye gather in thankfulness, encourage ye one another to sign up for Obamacare.  A new website, Health Care for the Holidays, encourages holiday celebrants to ‘have the talk,’ and we are even provided a script of sorts for doing so.

Never mind that the title of the site is in some ways reminiscent of Mel Brooks’ Broadway musical “Springtime for Hitler.”  And never mind that such a conversation may well result in some needing health care, whether from indigestion or injury.  In keeping with the holiday spirit, and with a heart full of profound gratitude for all that our Government, in its ineffable wisdom and benevolence, has done for us, I wish to offer some additional suggestions for making the conversation a success.  A few object lessons are sure to enhance the message of the script.

* Invite a large party of guests at a designated time.  Begin the lengthy meal preparations only after they have arrived.  Emerge from the kitchen occasionally to promise “It will all be ready in just a few minutes.” Repeat over the course of several hours.

* Hire a foreigner with absolutely no experience as a cook to prepare the meal.  Pay him extravagantly and pass the costs on to your guests. Discuss Obamacare over the results.

* Prepare a buffet of several covered dishes–each a decidedly unappetizing recipe (E.g., Spam, lima bean and Velveeta casserole, liver and kelp, etc.)–from which your guests may choose.  Keep them covered until meal time, all the while offering advance praise for the various “surprise” recipes you followed.  At mealtime, once the lids have been lifted, explain to your disappointed and disgruntled guests that the ingredients cost significantly more than anticipated.  Submit a bill to each to pay for the meal that was to have been free.

* Promise the children present, “If you eat all of your broccoli casserole you can have dessert. Period.”  Make them clean their plates. Do not keep your promise.

* When the items have all been passed and all of the guests’ plates are filled with their selections, take up those plates and explain that their choices do not conform to your standards.  Replace with your own selections for each guest regardless of their opinions or tastes.

* Keep the salt cellar near you.  When someone says “Please pass the salt” reply with, “Yes, certainly I will.”  Continue eating, ignoring both guest and salt.  Repeat as needed.

* Request that only a subset of your guests contribute to the meal while others enjoy dining without contributing at all.  Arrange so that contributing guests have little or nothing good to eat.

These are just a few suggestions for making ‘the talk’ that much more meaningful and motivating.  Let us all give thanks to Obama for the many blessings that he has inflicted  bestowed upon us all.