Hi folks. I just wanted to give the RedState userbase a head’s up, because sometime this week a major story is going to break. The truth of the matter is, I had an affair with Nancy Pelosi. I have exactly zero evidence to back this up: not one e-mail, not one text message, not one phone record… But trust me, I had an affair with Nancy Pelosi.
Some of you knuckle-dragging teabagger racists may deny and decry this, but it’s true. How do we know this is true? I wrote it on a blog. I took fifteen seconds to surf to Redstate, log into my account, and typed “I had an affair with Nancy Pelosi.” That makes it true.
I can already foresee what some of you right-wing, Bible- and gun-clinging lunatics are going to say: I am opposed to Nancy Pelosi, and this story is just a bunch of bunk meant to drag her into the muck. However, you are overlooking one serious, objective, undeniable fact: I wrote this on a blog, so it must be true.
If you have any questions, like “Hey, do you have any objective proof whatsoever of this absurd, outlandish accusation?” I’ll be burying my head in the sand, shouting “Yes we can!” and “Redistribute the wealth!” in my head. Be sure not to do anything radical like contribute to Nikki Haley’s moneybomb. That would be absolutely crazy. President Obama is perhaps the most centrist, post-partisan American hero ever to have lived. I am far too busy kissing the ground he walks on to take your questions. My deepest and most sincere apologies for the inconvenience.
And folks, please remember: if it was written on a blog, it must be true. No exceptions.