Diary

BARACK OBAMA: "BUT I WAS ONLY EIGHT!"

The Obama campaign is set to soon release medical records that will show Obama had “possessed the mind of an eight year old” until April 1, 2000. According to undisclosed and completely unreliable sources, this record release will reveal that until then Obama suffered from a rare mental malady calledOcto-psycho-consciousness. This disease, of which Obama is the only known sufferer, inhibits an individual’s ability to develop any conscience and mental judgment beyond that of an eight year old. One doctor, whose name will go undisclosed, revealed that people with this malady are capable of intellectual and physical development but continue to act like, as well as believe, they are only eight.

In preparation for the release of this extraordinary news, the Obama campaign has put out the word to friends and associates to candidly reveal key moments from his past where evidence of this disease appeared. From these sources it is possible to assemble the following chronology:

1983: Obama graduates from Columbia University. One university professor who was on stage when Barack received his diploma reveals how surprised he was when Barack turned to him, while holding up his diploma, and said, “Wow, this is great, I’m only eight!”

1990: Obama is selected to be Editor of the Harvard Law Review. A former reporter for the Harvard Crimson has disclosed that in an interview with Barack he said, “Being only eight, this make me the youngest person ever to be editor of the review!”

1995: Barack is asked by former Weather Underground Leader, Bill Ayers, to be the Board Chairman of the Annenberg Challenge Project. At a private press conference, Obama is purported to have said, “Because I’m only eight, I really know what me and the other kids really want to learn. We especially like playing with that special Play-Doh Auntie Bernadine has, you know, the stuff that comes in that brown box labeled C4?”

1995: Later that same year, Barack is presented at the Ayers’s home as the successor to State Senator Alice Parker. In remarks to the assembled supporters Obama is purported to have said, “Gee whiz, it’s really keen being able to run for Senator! We kids really know how to fix things up!”

1996: Obama is elected to the State Senate where he proposes a bill to extend school recess to six hours per day.

2000: Under the campaign slogan “New Kid on the Block”, Obama runs for Congress as a Democrat. On March 21st, he is defeated by Bobby Bush. Barack plunges into a severe depression which triggers as yet unexplainable psychological and physiological changes. On the afternoon of March 31st, no longer interested in playing with his Game Boy or his favorite Transformers, Barack slips into a deep, almost trance-like sleep. The next morning, April 1, 2000, Barack is purported to have awakened, looked in the mirror and said, “Hey, wait a minute, something is WRONG here! How in the hell does an eight year old grow a beard like that?!?”

The rest of story, of course, we already know. After a brilliant keynote address to the 2004 Democratic National Convention, he was well on his way to becoming his party’s nominee for President.

Political insiders at the Obama campaign strongly believe that these revelations will finally put to rest the controversy over his association with William Ayers. “After all”, one insider is quoted as saying, “He was only eight.”

(What? With everything else we’ve heard from this campaign, it’s possible.)