A Little Straight Talk for All the Special Snowflakes

To all the Special Snowflakes marching around college campuses demanding things:

I have absolutely no sympathy for you. None. You don’t deserve sympathy. In fact, instead of sympathy, the only emotion your juvenile, foolish behavior  has inspired in me is disdain. I find your goals ludicrous, and your methods crass and immature. What you are doing tells me that not only should we not be giving you free college, but we should really be carefully considering whether it was a good idea to promote you past elementary school.

From what I have read, the root of your protests is that other people’s ideas are making you feel unsafe. You believe that you should be able to wander around campus without having your beliefs challenged by the beliefs of other people. In order to save you a little time and a lot of student-loan debt in the future, I’ll tell you the name of the place you’re attempting to recreate with your protests.

It’s called “The womb.”

Since you’re prancing about with bullhorns or carrying a sign or valiantly sitting in a place you’d probably be sitting anyway if you were actually attending to your studies, it’s safe to say that you’ve already escaped the womb. It would be nice to feel that safe again, but sorry, snowflakes, that ship has sailed. Your safety officially ended the minute the obstetrician smacked you on the bottom and the first strangled cry of injustice issued forth from your tiny lungs. From that moment on, the clock is ticking toward the inevitable final heartbeat, and there’s nothing you can do about it. Accepting that the world is inherently unsafe, and that you have no chance whatsoever of getting out alive, is the first step toward adulthood.

Since going back into the womb is impossible, you’ll have to learn how to navigate through a world that doesn’t give a whit about whether or not your delicate sensibilities are offended. When you are confronted with ideas that call your beliefs into question, you have a couple of options. You can moan and cry about how oppressed you are and how unsafe you feel, or you can grow a spine and learn how to defend your beliefs with evidence and reason in the face of virulent, and perhaps even violent opposition. This is what Doctor Martin Luther King did. This is what all people with moral courage do. Harriet Beecher Stowe did it. Nelson Mandela did it. William Wilberforce did it,  and none of them had the luxury of safe spaces. Your need for safe spaces is evidence of your own lack of fortitude, rather than evidence of oppression.

If you suffer from feelings of oppression and victimhood, they stem from your own insecurities. Opposition is necessary for personal growth. You can’t sharpen a knife with a cotton ball, and you can’t develop moral courage by huddling with your fellow bedwetters in specially designated enclaves.  If you don’t learn to deal with opposition while you’re in college, you can bet your sweet, delicate sensibilities that you’re going to have a tough time later when you have to find a job and pay for all the loans you took out to become a well-rounded, educated person. Try making demands like this at an actual paying job, and see how far you get:

Dean Epstein must ask faculty to excuse all students from all 5 College classes, work shifts, and assignments from November 12th, 2015 to November 13th, 2015 given their organization of and attendance at the Sit-In.

Snowflakes, when you registered for those classes, you made a commitment to do the work required in the time allotted. This isn’t a game of Cartoon Tag on some elementary school playground; there are no Time Outs. The game goes on whether you play it or not. You make choices, and you live with the consequences of those choices. If you choose not to do your assignments, your grades will suffer accordingly. If you choose not to show up for work, your employer will find someone else to do your job.

If you think that we should be paying for your college education, you really ought to reconsider your position. I don’t even like the idea that I have to subsidize your student loans with my taxes. Watching you toddle about and demand that successful people act as enablers to your demented quest for a second infancy is enough to convince me that what we really need to do is shut down the colleges altogether. If all we’re getting in return for our tax money is entitled, fragile waifs without any marketable skills, you can save us a lot of money by just spending a couple of extra years in high school and taking up permanent residence in your parents’ house. We can train doctors and other useful members of society through apprenticeships, if we have to.

If you don’t like college, leave. Otherwise, choose a program that will teach you how to do something useful, buckle down, do the work, earn your degree, and find a job.

The clock is ticking.