Diary

A Modest Proposal For College Coaches

 

In the ultra-competitive collegiate coaching profession, any edge could mean the difference between a national title and a pink slip. With this in mind, I offer a plan that any coach on any women’s team can embrace. The plan is elegant in its simplicity, and enables even a mediocre student of the game the opportunity to become the next Pat Summit. Unfortunately, this plan is only available for coaches of women’s teams. Football and baseball coaches will still have to coach the old fashioned way, or cheat, if that’s how they want to do it.

Here is the plan. It is so simple that any coach or Athletic Director or General Manager who reads it will pop themselves in the forehead and say, “Why didn’t I think of that?”

The plan is: recruit men who self-identify as women.  According to some article I pulled up on Google, there are an estimated 700,000 candidates out there. Of those, there have to be at least a few who are good at some sport, and those are the ones you go after. Get a couple of them on your team, and you have an instant edge.  If you need an example, look no farther than the Homme/Femme du Jour, Bruce Jenner. Once an Olympic Champion, whose face graced the Wheaties box, Jenner is a prime example of the amazing opportunities presented by this new “gender fluidity.”

Now, some people might say that it’s the Y Chromosome, and all the attendant muscle mass and bone density that makes the transgender player such a hot commodity, but this is nothing but hogwash. The real edge to be gained by recruiting men who think they’re women is more intangible. It’s not about the superior strength or speed or mass that players with two X chromosomes could only dream of. That advantage can be mitigated with performance enhancing drugs, as long as you use the new ones that the drug tests don’t yet recognize. There is another advantage, one that cannot be engineered into a pill or created naturally by the fundamental genetic differences between males and females. The advantage I’m talking about can be summed up in one word.

Courage.

First of all, any coach with the stones to field a team full of men who call themselves women would possess a certain boldness that would trickle down to all the confused souls that managed to make the team. If a person could pull off something like that, winning championships would be child’s play. Such an inspirational and courageous act would be augmented exponentially each time a man who thinks he’s a woman takes the field in pursuit of a championship. Imagine five Bruce Jenners playing in the women’s Final Four. That much courage hasn’t been gathered in the same building since the First Continental Congress. No earthly force could possibly stand up to not one, not two, not three, but five Bruce Jenners, running up and down the court, blocking shots, making spectacular 360 degree behind-the-back dunks, and showing the entire world what in means to have the body of a male, but the mind of someone who would probably be able to withstand the agony of childbirth if they actually possessed a uterus. Movies would be made. Songs would be sung. T-Shirts would be sold. Video games would be provided with additional downloadable content. And you, the coach, would be a winner. A true pioneer, the one who opened the minds of all to the glory of true, unfettered equality. The Coach who embraces this plan will be immortalized at the coach who made Title IX a relic of a two-gendered past.

There are probably some coaches out there who are saying, “Sure. Sounds like a brilliant plan. But won’t the other teams object?” That’s a valid concern. But the ones who do object are on the wrong side of history. They’ll be painted as bigots and small-minded purveyors of hate and intolerance. They’ll be drummed out of the league if they dare open their mouths to voice and objection. Thanks to all the strides our society has made in making people feel comfortable with their eccentricities, no one will make so much as peep when your five Bruce Jenners take the basketball court or the soccer pitch. They’ll watch, fuming on the sidelines, while the crowd basks in the collective glow of their courage and cheers them on.

Take heed, coaches, for this opportunity is only good for a limited time. You might get in one or two seasons of sports dominance before all the other coaches scrambled to find their own Bruce Jenners. If you’re still unsure, remember that no one remembers the second black player after Jackie Robinson. History is calling out for a coach who has the courage to answer it. Someone out there has the vision to bring this plan out of the darkness and into the lights that blaze above sporting venues across America. This plan is my gift to you. All I ask is that when your courageous team of Bruce Jenners hoists that championship trophy above their heads, that you look into the heavens, smile softly, and say “Man, I feel like a Woman. And it feels just fine.”