Thinking Outside the Man-Cave

Scandals in the Obama administration popping up so fast that the mainstream media simply doesn’t have the manpower to ignore them all. Most of these scandals are indicative of the culture of unprecedented incompetence, corruption, and vindictiveness, and every American whose IQ is larger than the screen size of their phone ought to be sharpening the pitchforks and getting the torches ready for the next election cycle. But there is one scandal that stands apart from the rest, and its sheer perverse creativity compels us to wonder if it’s a scandal or an opportunity in disguise.

I’m talking about the now infamous EPA man-caves cleverly hidden in a giant warehouse in Maryland. According to ABC News,

  EPA’s inspectors found secret rooms at the facility filled with exercise equipment, televisions, refrigerators, microwaves and couches. The “man caves” also boasted photos, pin ups, calendars, clothing, books, magazines and videos, according to a report dated May 31.

These man-caves also featured other amenities, such as “corrosion, vermin feces, and mold”, but the sheer audacity of creating a private man-spa in the middle of a government warehouse on the taxpayer’s dime should encourage us to give these enterprising gentlemen a little leeway. Our first reaction when we read about it is to assume the guise of the Queen of Hearts, pointing at people and shouting “Off with his head” in our most commanding voice. But take a breath, recover your equilibrium, put down your heart-shaped scepter, and consider the possibilities these clandestine man-caves have going for them. The potential applications of EPA man-cave technology is theoretically endless, but I’ve narrowed it down to four or five so I don’t burden the NSA with too many data packets. After all, they don’t have secret warehouse man-caves to relax in, as far as we know.

There’s no shortage of scandal and wrongdoing in Obama’s America, which means there are lots of lawyers busy preparing for trials. Trials generally require witnesses, and what could be a better place to stash a witness than a secret warehouse man-cave? They had an entire fitness club hidden in the warehouse for five years without anyone the wiser, so hiding a few human beings would be mere child’s play. Along with the peace of mind that only secret man-caves can bring, the witnesses would have all the comforts of home, with the faint odor of rat droppings to remind them what perjury smells like . No need for the video store or the gym; everything the protected witness might need is right there, safe behind large stacks of unused computers and office furniture.

If the DOJ isn’t interested in hiding witnesses, there’s no need to fret. The coming immigration legislation currently barreling its way through Congress offers us another application for man-cave tech. Word will spread quickly that the United States is giving out immigration status like Halloween candy, and we’re going to have to put these people somewhere when they come streaming across the border dressed in their home-made Democrat costumes. It makes perfect sense for the EPA to take the lead in housing all these new voters; after all, the EPA tells us that no matter what we do, we’re most likely making the environment worse, and so they ought to take the lead in mitigating the damage that more people would invariably cause. With a roof over their heads, movies on the big-screen TV, and their own fitness center, they’re safe from the prying eyes of Sherrif Joe until they find a nice unused social security number to get them started. As far as the environment goes, you don’t put on your best suit to dig in the dirt, and with the environmental conditions already present in the warehouse, it’s unlikely that the tenants would make it significantly worse. Even if they did, it’ll be five years before anyone finds out about, and after that, what difference will it make?

Stalwart men like Senator Schumer might object, claiming that stuffing people into rat-infested warehouses isn’t a good thing to do, even if the rats do have Nautilus machines. Mr. Schumer would have a point. Instead of forcing future Democrats into squalid conditions, we could use the man-caves as a means of reducing the deficit by auctioning off exclusive rights to them on eBay. Similar to a timeshare, the man-caves would be leased to various Tea-Party and religious groups for periods of time that coincide with national elections. These groups could hide from the IRS, plotting wicked, twisted strategies for supporting the rule of law and Original Intent until just before the election, when the doors would be locked from the outside. Thus their secret plots would keep them occupied without actually endangering the Nanny-State juggernaut that created the man-caves in the first place.

Speaking of occupation, why not invite the various Occupy Movements to consolidate their forces and occupy man-caves instead? By occupying the EPA’s warehouse, they’d be nose-to-nose with the kind of corporate-government excess that they’ve been so angry about. These people are perfectly happy using police cars as toilets, so a little mold and corrosion won’t phase them in the slightest. Hidden behind mounds of incarnate American Materialism, they could protest to their hearts content, but since these man-caves are cleverly hidden from security cameras, no one else would be bothered by them.

And finally, no one can deny the immense popularity of reality television. All you need is a good premise, a few people devoid of shame and self-respect, and someone willing to broadcast the resulting mess into America’s living rooms. People like these are easy to find in any city in America, but like any good reality show, this one has a twist. All of the contestants are felons currently serving prison sentences. The premise here would be a fusion of justice, awkward social situations, voyeurism, and inane competitions, the goal of which would be decide which of our felons gets a golden ticket to the Parole Board, which is a fancy way of saying the “viewers at home.” Every week, you decide who goes back to Sing-Sing, Pelican Bay, or San Quentin, and who gets to keep his man-cave, until only one remains. That lucky person gets a book deal and the opportunity to run for public office in Baltimore.

It’s easy for us to sit on our high horses and condemn the employees of Apex Logistics, LLC for their selfish and irresponsible, yet fiendishly clever scheme. But ridiculous government excess doesn’t have to be our enemy. With a little imagination, we can find a way to turn that frown upside down, and allow all that wasted money and equipment to bring a little sunshine into our lives.



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