Sen. Bernie Sanders took to the microphone today to declare victory, announcing he’s ending his presidential campaign.
“Look, I won! I got everything I ever wanted, well, maybe not everything, but I got people lining up for food now. And toilet paper. You know what I did today? I stood in a line, that’s what.
“I went to a grocery store to see these lines, and I cried tears of joy. My driver let me out and I just stood with a hundred people lining up. I don’t know what they wanted, my staff keeps my estates well supplied, but might have been toilet paper or bread, might’ve been.
“You know how much toilet paper we waste? You should be ashamed. When I honeymooned in Moscow to see the glories of Communism, I waited in line for half a day with my Soviet minders and cried because it was so touching. They needed toilet paper, but theirs was strong enough to reuse it, and that’s what we need.
“Part of my Green-red deal is reusable toilet paper for all Americans as a fundamental right. Not 43 varieties and colors but just one gender-neutral, recycled reusable type so everyone can have some–just wash it in the sink every day.
“I want to thank all my loyal fellow travelers and useful idiots for all your money and hard work. We won, we got breadlines and empty shelves just like the Soviet Union! Thank you. I gotta fly my private jet back to my lake house now because my chef made a wonderful treat for dinner.”
(Guaranteed not the Babylon Bee or Onion)
Art Harman is the President of the Coalition to Save Manned Space Exploration, a space advocacy organization supporting the return to the moon by 2024. He was the Legislative Director and foreign policy advisor for Rep. Stockman (R-Texas) in the 113th Congress, and is a veteran policy analyst and grass-roots political expert. His expertise includes foreign relations, border security/amnesty, national security, transportation, foreign broadcasting and NASA/space policy.
He has travelled the world and been behind the Iron Curtain during the Soviet era, witnessed the fall of the Berlin Wall, was arrested by the KGB, and stood in the footprints of those who sacrificed everything for freedom at Tiananmen Square.
Mr. Harman developed the strategy to kill the 2013 Senate “gang of eight” amnesty bill as violating the Constitution’s Origination Clause–and was dubbed “The Bill Killer” by Roll Call for his work. He provided policy advice to the Trump campaign, transition and the White House. He wrote what became the ‘bible’ for post-Brexit trade relations which was introduced in 2016 by Sen. Mike Lee as S. 3123, the United Kingdom Trade Continuity Act, and he advised the Trump administration to return Americans to the Moon by 2024–now official policy. Harman is a frequent guest expert on radio shows on key policy issues, an award-winning filmmaker, and an award-winning fine-arts photographer.