This Chick Does Flicks: 2012

I’m not given to laughing at inappropriate moments in movies, especially when it’s literally the end of the world, but no one warned me that within the current disaster mega hit 2012 there lurks such utter and impossible physical lunacy that all you can do is laugh. When 2012’s sneak peek trailer was released earlier this year, it went viral on the web precisely because the trailer defied belief what with it’s violent upheaval special effects, star John Cusak’s crazy limo driving and Tom McCarthy’s sudden ability to segue from inexperienced student pilot to a Millennium Falcon flight jockey thanks to a massive overdose of adrenalin form which he probably is still recovering…recovering that is if his character hadn’t gone into the meat grinder gears of a later day Noah’s Ark right towards the end.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. The official 2012 web site has a synopsis so it’s worth quoting if only to get the minimal divorced-daddy-who-still-secretly-loves-his-wife-and-kids-saves-them-against-all-the-laws-of-physics-and-current-boyfriend-of-ex-wife-and-lives-happily-ever-after human interest subplot. To wit: Never before has a date in history been so significant to so many cultures, so many religions, scientists and governments. “2012″ is an epic adventure about a global cataclysm that brings an end to the world and tells of the heroic struggle of the survivors.

Okaaaaaaaaaay…So are we all supposed to be making out our Last Will and Testament because some Mayans constructed their celestial calendar to poop out centuries after their own civilization did? Even Nostradamus gave up his predictions at 2005 but we’re still here. I personally think that the day after D-for-Disaster-Day, December 21, 2012. I am going to wake up wondering, “Oatmeal or English muffins?” and “Only 3 more days until Christmas!”

Evidently director Roland Emmerich thinks otherwise. For him it’s a darn magnetic pole shift set in motion by neutron’s heating up the Earth’s core thanks to massive solar flares which disrupts the continental crust thereby getting all of California sliding into the Pacific, massive tidal waves inundating all coastlines, even those without the necessary coastal rise to generate the energy necessary for 1500 foot walls of water, the Yellowstone giant caldera going ka-blooey and unremitting earthquakes toppling every Christian and Buddhist landmark existing world wide but curiously leaving Mecca untouched. I mean, who knew earthquakes would make such dhimmitudinal distinctions?

For those of us, who grew up last century watching such films as Towering Inferno and The Poseidon Adventure there was a saying that, “If it was an Irwin Allen flick, it was a disaster.” Now here we are in the 21st Century and it looks like Emmerich is picking up where Allen left off. Responsible for such films as Independence Day, Godzilla and The Day After Tomorrow, Emmerich doesn’t leave much standing in his wake. At least Allen only killed off the immediate cast. Emmerich goes for such wholesale human slaughter that he’s probably getting fan mail from Dr. Eric “The Lizard Man” Pianka.

2012 stars John Cusak as Jackson Curtis (probably the luckiest man in the 2012 universe what with his incredible driving, sprinting and diving skills and ability to avoid lava bombs), Amanda Peet as his confused ex, Kate Curtis, Chiwetel Ejiofor (now there’s a mouthful!) as geologist-cum-squishy-humanitarian, Adrian Helmsley, and Thomas McCarthy as the really squishy Dr. Gordon Silberman, who specializes in boob jobs for girlfriends of Russian sugar daddies. The 2012 supporting cast features the scrawny and leaden Thandie Newton as Laura Wilson, daughter of the self-sacrificing US President, Thomas Wilson, played by a very unhappy Danny Glover and can you imagine President Obama selflessly staying behind in an evacuation?

In fact, the only people who don’t really get left behind, the very people, who claim that they’re the ones, who should go forth and repopulate the world, are the exact same ones who need to be buried under ninety feet of silt after the flood waters recede. I’m talking about the US government and all the other world leaders and their cabinets right up to QE II and her nasty little corgis, whom she has stated that she prefers to her subjects. Yes, that’s right: the people may perish but the government goes on and what the heck is it going to take to kill the IRS off anyway?

Speaking of slimy politicians, Oliver Platt as Oval Office head honcho, Carl Anheuser, does a credible imitation of Bill Richardson and bulldog Zlatko Buric as Russian billionaire, Yuri Karpov, pushes everyone around as he and his sons, Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum, fight for their prepaid seats on the US version of Noah’s Ark. Cusak’s kids are pretty much run-of-the-mill child actors and, quite frankly, all of the yelling that substitutes for acting is the same by everyone except the crazy-as-a-loon character, Charlie Frost, who is played by Woody Harrleson with all the insane wisdom of one, who has listened to one too many editions of George Noory’s Coast To Coast radio show and really, really, really knows the end is near.

If you are shaking your head about now and wondering what type of people would believe this end of the world nonsense, just think of Al Gore, who recently stated that the center of the Earth was as hot as the Sun. Maybe now all this rush, rush, rush by the Democrats and the Obama Administration to tank the US economy and force us into the grinding misery of socialism while they pork out at the taxpayer funded trough suddenly makes sense. Considering how the liberals have destroyed education in this country and plunged us into a politically correct Dark Ages reflective of their own mindset, is it any wonder then that they are acting like time is not on their side? Maybe they really do think the clock runs out for them in 2012 and I am here to tell you right now that they are wrong.

The clock doesn’t run out for the Democrats in 2012. It runs out for them in 2010.