Just a typical Wednesday, 2009:
6:30 am: Rise and Shine! Push-ups, sit-ups and cinch Michelle into her latest thick leather belt. Man! That woman looks more and more like a plow horse every day! I’ve got to talk her out of those harnesses!
7:00 am: See the girls before they go off to that private Sidwell Friends School of theirs. Those girls deserve the best!
7:15 am: Sneak a cigarette and sign papers killing vouchers for school choice. Who do those parents think they are by keeping their children out of the public school indoctrination into MY Personality Cult like that?
7:30 am: Time for a fast game of hoops followed by a shower. Let Putin beat my high jump at his next photo op!
8:00 am: Breakfast, scan headlines, get National Security Briefing, mostly answer fan mail. Must remember not to leave coffee stains on National Security Briefing like I usually do. People are beginning to notice.
8:45 am: Senior Staff Meetings with Biden, Summers, Chu & Rahm. Katie Johnson promised me faithfully that the conference room would have extra Kleenex available since Summers will be talking about the economy. Wonder if Slow Joe and Rahm will get into a screaming match again? Chu just likened Americans to teenagers when it comes to their use of energy. Oh that reminds me…need to get Air Force One tanked up again for Date Night with Michelle. She’s hankering for some deep dish Chicago style pizza this Saturday. Rats! I ran out of cigarettes!
12:00 pm: Got to get out for some more cigs. Maybe give the peons a treat and show up at a local hamburger joint. Pretend to be “real people” by standing in line. That’s a good one! How many “real people” have food tasters?
1:00 pm: Throw Honduras under the bus and come out in support of Zelaya. After all, there are no enemies on the Left.
1:15 pm: Throw Poland under the bus by pulling back missile defense in Europe. Serves that bunch of trouble-making Catholics right for criticizing Russia over WWII.
1:30 pm: Ditto for Czechoslovakia.
2:00 pm: Brainstorm session with Ayers over new ways to use Race Card. Can things whites use be used against them? Maybe we could use the Arlington, VA, controversy over their HOT traffic lanes being racist since whites seem to use those most, just because Arlington is 80% white is no excuse. Never let facts get in the way! On second thought, Rush Limbaugh will have a field day pointing out that the off-ramps are homophobic and the shoulders are sexist. Nah, scratch that.
3:00 pm: Understand that a group of GOP congressmen are scheduled to present another one of their dreary, real market alternatives to my visionary Obamacare. I am so out of here! What’s Chris Matthews doing? I could use the adoration.
3:15 pm: On Air Force One en route to New York for taping session interview on ABC, CBS, NBC, MSNBC and CNN. Ah, they’re all alike, I’ll just do the teleprompter bit and they’ll aim the cameras at me from different angles then switch over to their own talking heads. CNN has the best film editors; they can do anything with tape, like make small pro-Me rallies look big and those &#%$^$ TEA Parties look small. Wonder how Wolf Blitzer’s head would look on Candy Crawley’s body?
4:30 pm: Still in New York. Forgot about my teleconference with General Stanley McChrystal over Afghanistan going down the tubes. No big.
6:30 pm: Back in DC just in time for private time with my babies and play with Bo. Michelle’s yammering that I have to take her with me to L.A. on Sunday when I hit all the late night talk shows. That woman really knows how to cramp my style! And her Medusa “silent treatment” stares after some hottie crushes up against me is guaranteed not to turn anything to stone, if you catch my drift…
7:30 pm: Party Time! Where’s that vodka martini?