Newt messed up the debates, Santorum will take at least four more years to visit all the counties of Florida, and Ron Paul is still Ron Paul. It’s time to build up the enthusiasm for the general! So here’s my list of eight conservative accomplishments for eight years with Romney:
1. The deficit will be slashed in half, after the repeal of the investment income tax, by increasing speeding and parking fines 500%.
2. All former opponents will receive perks. Bachmann will run Education, Santorum Homeland Security, Gingrich will join the astronaut program, and Ron Paul will get a better fitting eyebrow toupee.
3. All 50 states will receive waivers for Obamacare on day one. The waivers will not become effective until 2017, unless Romney’s Massachusetts team finishes the new healthcare bill before then.
4. A compromise with Democrats will allow hunters to cross roads with a gun, as long as it’s after sunset and they’re wearing a deer costume.
5. There will be a special yearly Presidential speech on abortion, alternately drafted by Republicans and Democrats.
6. NASA will be spun off as a GSE that makes its own money – the Freddie Mac of orbital housing.
7. Commercial gambling will be allowed in all states, minimum bet $10K.
8. The death tax will be repealed for those undergoing proxy baptism.
(Add your own in the comments!)