Well, it’s done. After eight long years, Mr. President, you certainly fulfilled your goal of bringing a “new tone” to Washington. Still, however, you might have notified us that this new tone would one that cavorts with terrorists and racists, and would himself be an unabashed socialist. Yet it’s good to see all that you’ve accomplished in these eight years. You have demonstrated the rewards of bending to your opponents and of going-along-to-get-along. For this your party will be forever grateful. Indeed, the Republican party has now resumed its rightful place as a permanent minority where, by all accounts, it has been uncomfortable ever since its leaving. As for Reaganism, you have well taught each of us its precepts, especially with respect to health care entitlements and the government take over of much of the financial system.
Bipartisanship? Again, your philosophy of quiet disdain for your detractors: nothing short of masterful. Why break silence and stoop to their level, right? I especially want to commend you on your uncanny ability to look into the eye of various individuals and see the unnoticed goodness in their souls. Vladmir Putin, Hugo Chavez, Alberto Gonzales, Colin Powell, and Scott McClellan–-it’s amazing how your perceptiveness allowed you to see in these men what others couldn’t. On the other hand, it is sad that your fellow Republicans cried foul so loudly at the appointment of Harriet Miers to the Supreme Court. I’m sure that she would have followed their proud tradition.
Ted Kennedy’s drafting of an education bill was another real coup for your first term, Mr. President. Who knows more about educating America’s youth than Chappaquiddick Ted? By the way, my daughter wants to know if Heather really had two mommies?
Your critics wailed over your firing of seven attorneys general, but you kept your peace, and did not deign to explain to them that you had a right to fire them for any purpose whatsoever. No, you allowed them to explode this into a real Watergate-style sideshow and thus demonstrated to the world what your detractors really were. (psssst! Who were your critics shown to be, Mr. President? I apparently I cannot figure that one out on my own. My guess was “majority party”).
While I might be criticized for this, I cannot but feel that you should also receive credit for the “change” that is coming to Washington. After all, your policies, while somewhat egalitarian in nature, didn’t go quite far enough to be called true socialism, and you, Mr. President, have caused that final block to be put into place. Having turned over in their graves, we are all able to see the smiling faces of the Founding Fathers.
Well, as you turn to your golden sunset years, I hope that you will recall all that you’ve done for us and how your guiding hand on our politics will be felt for generations to come. Conservatism never really won since Reagan anyways, unless you count 1994.
So long Mr. President.