This is a formal offer to all right-thinking people to get on board with my newest business venture, the Sleek and Cheap Auto Manufacturing concern (SCAM for short). I expect papers to be filed within the week.
This company does not currently produce any vehicles, but we’re just as likely to be manufacturing automobiles a year from now as General Motors. Should we do so, we would inevitably providing valuable employment to many low-skilled workers, but are just as likely to end up unionized due to the clout of the UAW. As such, we will be applying for our very own pre-bailout of $50 billion to invest in order to pay the inordinate benefits we’re going to have to give in the future. Not granting this bailout would put at risk all the future jobs we might create, which are especially important in the middle of a recession.
And for fair disclosure, in the unlikely event that we are not able to produce vehicles, we will use the pre-bailout to stabilize housing markets (through the paying off of shareholders’ mortgages), followed by direct injections into the stock markets to help place a floor under the DOW. So as you can see, this is clearly a win-win solution for both the government and the taxpayers, with the shareholders reluctantly accepting the burden.