HELP! Transformers Have Assualted My Kids!!

Parents who love their preteen kids BEWARE OF THE TRANSFORMERS MOVIES!!!

I am totally disgusted with this entire series of movies since it is an adaptation of a cartoon designed and marketed for kids complete with toys and commercials and all the gimmicks one can think of to draw the little innocents in so they can be spoonfed the worse of American culture.

We no longer have cable or satellite since we’ve recently moved and our access to Netflix streaming movies has been restricted due to the rural nature of my internet service. So, we’ve settled on the mail out version of Netflix.

To make a long story shot, the boys and I were looking for movies to watch and they if they could see Transformers?

I made the mistake of saying sure, I don’t see why not.

The rating is PG 13 but I figured it’s like Spiderman which got the same rating because of the violent content. What harm could there be in letting my kids watch machines beat the nuts, bolts and hydraulic fluid out of each other…right?

Boy was I wrong!

As it is, we watched “Transformers III Dark Side of the Moon” first since I was able to grab it from Redbox immediately. All in all it was OK but I had a fit when out of the blue one of the characters dropped the F-Bomb without warning in the middle of a movie that was otherwise clean; with a few mild exceptions in the colorful language department. Despite this, since my kids liked that movie so much I promised to let them watch the first and second installments.

So I ordered them from Netflix and spaced them out over time to let the anticipation build for the boys as they were forced to wait for the movies to arrive.

I had a blast watching my middle child…(he’s the one who lives in a fantasy world slightly more than the other two)…run to the mailbox everyday to see if they had arrived yet.

Finally Transformers arrived…and we settled in to watch the movies. I was again upset and appalled at a few well placed yet mild attacks on my kids by a few well placed words…but I came unglued when the mother started off on the main character about why he’s sneaking around by asking him if he’s sneaking off to “masturbate?”

If she had asked that one question it would be bad enough…but this offensive went for about 5 minutes of dialogue, (I can only guess at how long it went on because I was busy desperately grabbing for the remote and fast forwarding through much of it). Through it all, Mom continues to harangue JR about how it’s OK and Mom and Dad understand. The masturbation conversation only stops when the girlfriend reveals her presence in sonny boy’s bedroom which pleases Mom and Dad to no end at the idea that JR has a girl in his room and is likely working as hard as he can to put her in “The family way.” He’s sort of a nerd you see.

What’s so infuriating is…this adds nothing to the movie the plot line or anything else. If this were a movie designed for adults and there were a proper warning to folks that this is what can be expected it would be one thing…but again…this is an adaptation from a cartoon series…that markets toys to kids in order to draw them in for a full frontal assault on their innocence.

Yet I committed to letting my kids watch the series so I again get to watch the anticipation and experience again the amusement of watching Number 2 son run to the mailbox after getting off the school bus yelling “is it here yet daddy?”…only now, the joy is accompanied by a sense of…surely this one isn’t any worse that the first and third installment?

Well…the movie and the big day arrive and I and the boys settle in for a little entertainment.

So we begin “Transformers II, Revenge of the fallen”

For the life of me I can’t figure out how this movie escaped an R Rating.

It includes everything from a couple of the Autobots speaking in street lingo about popping caps in each other’s “BXXch AXX” to calling one of the human characters a “PUXXY.” The rest of the movie is laced with the F-Bomb or derivatives of the same word such as Fricken which in my day described the same act.

The visual is even worse as the audience is treated to images of a coed dorm early on. There is a scene where a girl walks past a door and my wife says she was naked…(I was watching the dialogue and didn’t see…Honest…heh)

Then there’s the scene with a scantily clad college coed who starts out trying to french kiss the uninterested main character.

Of course the girlfriend shows up and catches her beau and the scantily clad coed in the act. Predictably, (The star is a nerd remember?), this is the time little miss Iron Buns sprouts a snake like metal tail and out of robot girls mouth springs a mechanical appendage with a tongue of flesh that she continues to try and shove down nerd boy’s throat as the chase ensues

Of course in the middle of this chase, while snake tongue is trying to find them…the main character and his girlfriend assault the audience and each other with a graphic combination of language and  sexual innuendo worthy of Hugh Heffner and Larry Flint.

Of course tongue girl reemerges in the middle of this and continues to try and french kiss our hero throughout the ensuing car  chase….

Is this as bad as it can get?

Are you kidding…if you made it to this part of the movie, you’ve already been confronted with center screen visuals of two dogs humping as the father for the main character tells the smaller of the two dogs to stop “Dominating” the larger….and if it’s not enough…they show it…NOT ONCE….BUT TWICE.

Surely that’s it right?….NOPE!..during a lull in the action…we get to watch a miniature Decepticon Robot who was captured by the main character’s girlfriend hump HER leg as the main character asks her if she’s just going to stand there and let him keep doing that to which she replies something like “Well, it keeps him loyal.”

Now I’m dealing with the shame and guilt of letting my kids watch the filth with which they were confronted despite my best efforts to fast-forward or mute the raunchy parts.

If you are a parent thinking this is the stuff of the original television series and something you want to share with your child…do yourself a favor…DON’T GO THERE!!!