Thank you all very much. Mr. Speaker, distinguished guests, foreign diplomats [bow], ladies and gentlemen. My fellow Americans,
We’re here tonight to talk about the state of the union. Not the red state of the union, or the blue state of the union, the United state of the union.
We are now in the midst of the single most inherited economy in our history. Times are tough. But we are saving or creating new jobs every day. Every minute. I just did one while we were talking [wave hand like wand].
Now, I know you all want health care. And I want to give it to you. Congress wants to give it to you. But Fox News.
Let me be clear: I intend to be frank with you. We’ve got tough times ahead. It’s getting better every day, but make no mistake, it’s really terrible. We’re both heartsick and optimistic. We’re calling it heartsipmistic. That’s also the name of a new lipstick line from Miley Cyrus, so make no mistake. It’s all in this pamphlet.
Now, I know there are some in this chamber who don’t agree with me. And I want to do something about that. That’s why I’ve brought Oprah in to consult. I want all you Republicans to look under your chairs. Go ahead, right now. Yes those are keys to brand new GM CARS. No no, it’s fine. Don’t worry about the cost. I got a GREAT deal, I know a guy. Now take those cars and get out of here. Not so fast, Scott Brown, you have to keep your stupid truck. Regretting that ad yet? Senator Nelson, you also get a car. Yours is the one with the giant treasure chest on top encrusted with jewels. We’re countin on ya!
Let me be clear, there is a war on in this world. It’s dangerous. There are bad people, they have intent to kill, and they’ll stop at nothing. But thanks to me they all drove off in new cars just now so we’re good. I’d like to tell you that the total absence of any Republicans or opposition of any kind means we’ll pass a good health care bill. But Rush Limbaugh.
Recently, one of the most significant criminal acts ever to occur on our shores happened, and it happened on my watch. Balls were dropped. Warning signs ignored. I know this. The fallout will be huge. Make no mistake, we will have a full investigation. James O’Keefe will not go unanswered.
I’ve gotten a lot of flack today about my spending freeze. Let me be clear. Washington is spending too much money. Way too much. It’s a burden on our future. So we’re going to stop. Nip it in the bud. That’s why I’ve ordered a spending freeze. Now, I know some of my liberal colleagues [do that middle finger face scratch thing] are going to groan about this. And I understand that, I do. That’s why we’re allowing you to choose any spending you want, anything you really like, and we’ll exempt it. We’ll unfreeze it. We’re calling it “Cash from Suckers.”
Now, I know you think with a spending freeze and all the republicans shut out and Paula off idol that, well, we ought to see things even-out money-wise. Maybe, lower taxes for the middle class. Maybe we start reducing deficits, reforming health care, having negotiations broadcast on C-SPAN, Gitmo shut down in 1 year, and all that other stuff I promised. But Glenn Beck.
So in conclusion, let me say this. The State of our Union is both really hopeful and changed, but also in dire straits and on the verge of collapse. [cough real hard, drink water]. Sorry about that, I was saving or creating a job and it got stuck in my throat.
These are tough times, but with enough hope, and enough change, you may believe we’ll get through. You might think, this is the moment when the oceans will cease to rise, and the earth begin to heal. This will be the moment when everything gets better and unicorns come to life and whisk me away to live among the Navi. You might think that.