Star Trek: The Vexed Generation

Cross-posted from AOL’s Political Machine

It is the third day after seeing the new Star Trek trailer. I still have a slight ringing in my ears and some dizziness, but I think I’m finally coming down. In light of the buzz surrounding the new Trek flick (woohoo!), which recasts our favorite old characters with new actors, Tommy Christopher and I have been doing a little recasting of our own.

Yesterday, we theorized about which members of Starfleet (or otherwise) would be wise choices for the Obama administration and why … an exercise I clearly won. Today, we are taking that premise and reversing it, deciding who our favorite politicians would be if they were citizens of the Alpha Quadrant, circa 23rd – 24th centuries. Like yesterday, I’ll try and include actual political commentary. You can see Tommy’s deeply flawed reasoning here.

Considering we’re populating this highly advanced civilization with politicians, I thought the best title for my list was …

Star Trek: The Vexed Generation

1) Obama as Data:
I really don’t see who else he could be. Data’s character, as I mentioned yesterday, was new to the world. It learned of him as he learned of it. Seems like a perfect fit to me. Besides, who doesn’t think Barack Obama has an evil twin brother? You know he does.

2) Ron Paul as Commander Kruge:
Commander Kruge was a man obsessed. Like Ahab and Khan before him, Kruge verged on madness in his reckless pursuit of his goals. He ignored advice from those around him, saying what he thought when he thought it, and lost his crew and, eventually, his life. I think that says it all. I was tempted by the idea of creating a Ronulan, but I just couldn’t help myself on this one. Besides, who doesn’t think that being kicked in the face until he falls off a mountain on an alien planet is the way Ron Paul will eventually go?

3) Sarah Palin as Seven of Nine:
Seven came from a strange, far off place. Some of her customs seemed strange to the officers and elites aboard Voyager, but she quickly won over the crew. Seven was smart and beautiful, often insubordinate, and occasionally beat the crap out of people. Sarah could fill Seven’s unitard in our retooled Trek universe in a flash. Besides, who doesn’t think that Sarah is eventually going to assimilate Tina Fey? Oh … she will.

4) Bill Clinton as William Riker:
Sure, I was tempted to go with Harry Mudd. But as any Star Trek fan knows, William Riker is the worst primary character from among all the various series. The. Worst. Did you see Bill during the primaries? Just checking. Not to mention, Riker was cheesy and, ostensibly, a womanizer. Besides, you just know Bill is going to have a Gore politics-aren’t-going-my-way-so-I’m-going-all-wild-Ben beard any day now. Seriously. It’s going to happen.

5) John Edwards as … :
… and then I found a Harry Mudd anyway! I think it’s pretty self-explanatory.
Besides … Edwards … his name is, you know … Mudd.

6. Hillary Clinton as a redshirt:
A redshirt, in Star Trek parlance, is not a great thing to be. When there’s a landing party, and you’ve got Kirk, Spock, Bones, and one guy in a red shirt … well who do you think is going to be making that first contact with the giant galactic brain spider? Yes, ok, my first thought was also Ron Paul, but besides him, it’s the redshirt. And you can bet the spider will be hungry. Anyone who watched the election unfold won’t be surprised to see Clinton as the redshirt, that ever expendable sidekick. I mentioned in my previous Trek story that Obama was going to need a redshirt during his administration. Did you hear about Hillary taking Secretary of State? Besides, I barely even had to photoshop this one. No Trek redshirt ever looked as dissed as this.

7. John McCain as Captain Kirk:
Kirk the maverick. Kirk would have shot first at Greedo and so would McCain. Kirk often disobeyed orders. Not to mention, to confuse the lines of our reality even further, Shatner often had contentious relationships with other cast-members. Sound like McCain? Besides, I barely even had to photoshop this one either. The resemblance is uncanny, no?

8. Obama Girl as Orion girl:
Last but not least. I thought about coming up with some rationale here, but, you know? Some things just work.