Who are the Tea Partiers?

I’ve been puzzled by this question for quite a while, and my confusion has only increased with the passage of time so I’ve decided to turn to the public for assistance.

Who are the people that call themselves Tea Partiers?

It is common knowledge that the Republican Party is mainly comprised of older white males so I naively assumed that they too must comprise the bulk of the Tea Party movement.

My assumption about the elderly part was obviously wrong, since the Democrats and media have been going on and on lately how the Tea Party members threaten to stop social security checks and want to cut Medicare. It’s hard to believe they’re throwing themselves off a cliff and under the bus.

So if it’s not the elderly, then it must be those in their twenties and thirties correct?

Wrong again!

These Tea Party people are against federally funded student loan programs which are soooo much more efficient and generous than when the banks were in control.

And besides, didn’t Obama receive an overwhelming majority of the young votes?

So what’s left? Middle-aged Moms and Dads with a kid or two to raise. But isn’t the Tea Party an anti-education group who wishes to eliminate the entire Department of Education? And wait a second; if they’re anti-education does that brand them as educated or non-educated individuals?

At least the gender of the Tea Party is clear without a doubt. After all, don’t they support rape against women because of their anti-abortion position or something? Either way, Tea Party members and females are an oxymoron. Everyone knows that. Palin and Bachmann aren’t even real females.

It’s common knowledge too that the Tea Party is only white people.  Herman Cain and Allen West are irrelevant.

Okay. Forget about age, race, and gender. What about any other factors?

Aha! The Tea Party members must be those filthy rich executives Obama always rants against.

But aren’t the Tea Partiers stupid people who don’t understand anything? So how can they possibly be smart enough to run a business? The notion that brains and money are a pair has been confirmed by the fact that it was the wealthy residents of San Francisco and New York City that were smart enough to understand the benefits of Obama’s policies and have therefore supported and continue to support him. And I heard Manhattan hadn’t even had a Tea Party – ever.

All right. These Tea Party idiots surely must be the poor and homeless of this country. But that contradicts the Tea Party’s threats to slash all entitlement programs such as food stamps and Medicaid. And how did all these illiterate, brainless guys take the brains in Washington hostage at the debt debate?

I got it! The middle class!

Hey, but doesn’t the Tea Party support tax breaks for the rich which end up putting the entire burden on the shoulders of the struggling small business owners?

And why do they fight for the rich if they themselves are poor, wait – middle class, no – so what on earth are they?

One theory I’m still in the midst of experimenting with, is that the Tea Party groups are divisions of an alien army plotting an invasion. After all, they don’t even hide their hatred towards the planet Earth with their denial of global warming and carbon-causing actions.

But wait, aren’t they against illegal immigrants?

After months of research that really deserved to have been the beneficiary of billion in federal grants, I’ve finally found a lead in the following video. It’s from the start of the Tea Party era and the evidence is pretty overwhelming. The only stumbling block is that the culprit refused to respond to his interrogator.

I know you’ve seen this in the past as it had gone viral at the time, but in light of the above information, perhaps a careful scrutiny will provide some clues to the answer this young man had not given and a peaceful end to my sleep-robbing dilemma.

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There is one more possibility. Perhaps the Tea Party consists of all sorts of individuals: Rich, poor, male, female, Caucasian, African American, Hispanic, middle class, rural, suburban, young and old.  Tea Partiers may be your co-workers, family members, friends, and neighbors who are concerned for the country’s economic future and its citizens’ freedom.

Why, it might even be you and me!

Abie Rubin blogs at TheThinkingVoter.blogspot.com and can be followed on twitter.