Personally, I am thankful to providence for bestowing Woody Harrelson, zombie fighter, unto this earth to defend us all from those wayward and dangerous zombie paparazzi. Why, we’d be overrun with the shuffling menaces were it not for the brave and selfless actions of Woody Harrelson, zombie fighter!

It is my pleasure to recount Captain Zombie Killer’s latest epic struggle with the flesh eating, undead from last week. It seems that a zombie paparazzi was about to attack an entire airport full of innocent folks until Captain Zombie Killer stepped in to save us yet again.

Of course, there was a tiny misunderstanding this time. Unlike all those other times that he saved us from the zombie menace, this time the good Captain only ended up roughing up a photographer. I mean, come on. With all his experience at zombie-i-cide, it’s easy to realize how he “quite understandably mistook” the photographer “for a zombie.” Right?

I mean, when you are eliminating zombies day and night as the Captain has been for so long, doing mankind such a dear service, it’s understandable that one might mistake a real, living person for one of those snarling, flesh rotting zombies at one time or another. Especially if it’s a media photographer. Easy to see the mistake. Don’t you think??

Everyone makes mistakes, ya know?

It makes his rather prosaic advocacy to help Colorado pass Marijuana legalizing laws seem rather placid (but a bit revealing). And all the help he had for us on expositions on the Constitution when he was doing that Larry Flynt movie, and all, well, he’s a regular Thomas Jefferson, ya know?

It is heartwarming that Captain Zombie Killer is so involved with saving us from zombies AND helping us plan our structures of laws and culture, eh? It is also wonderfully intelligent of our elected officials for their careful attention to the Captain’s testimony on things political. His is such a worthy voice to hear, after all. It’s always such a great idea when politicians employ the able efforts of actors in matters of important public policy, isn’t it? I mean, remember how important actress Meryl Streep’s “testimony” was on that whole Alar on Apples thing? She was an expert cuz she played one on TV… or something. So kudos to our elected officials for their good sense.

Heck, why doesn’t the esteemed Captain run for president? What could be better than having a potheaded, zombie killing, play actor as our chief executive? After Obama, a man whose entire persona was made up by TV, why not?

Anyway, I salute you oh zombie killing savior. Here’s to you Woody Harrelson. May no zombie ever best you in battle again.