Dear President Obama,

We are thankful to you, our wonderful president, for showing the world that the citizens of Illinois are kinder and gentler than those evil Bushies. It has always been obvious to us that we are more open minded and far more caring than anyone but your gift to us this month proves our love for multi-culturalism. We can hold our heads up high in The Hague and in the hallowed halls of the École Nationale d’Administration at long last.

We are blessed and we thank god — not meaning to specify any particular god or gods to which you subscribe — for your beneficence with this action coming so soon during these early days of your administration of hope and change. To think that this hallowed day has arrived already!

We Illinoisans cannot thank you enough for allowing us to take charge of this poor benighted soul and al Qaieda terrorist, Ali al-Marri who, in the infinite wisdom of your administration, has been transferred to our loving embrace here in our state’s civil court system.

Now we Illinoisans can proudly stand with our compatriots at the ICC as leaders of the western world for as long as our enemies will allow us to have one. We can bask in the soft glow of the beaming smiles of perfunctory UN employees everywhere and at last have the much craved for congratulations of that tweed jacketed university set so richly swathed in their insular ivory towers.

But why, dear leader, stop at sending us just one terrorist? Sir, we demand that you send us more so that there will be no doubt about our commitment to the highest principles of inclusiveness. While you certainly have proven to the world your love and kindness by signing that Executive Order affirming that soon you’ll sign an order to shut down the Guantanamo Bay detainee facility, we humbly apply as its replacement. After all, if we can prove to the Belgians and Norwegians that we are close to their equals by taking one measly terrorist, imagine how cool we’d be if we could have all of them?

We say send them on over, father in Washington. Besides, certain parts of Chicago and East St. Louis look like any bombed out part of your typical Middle Eastern hell hole country anyway, so they would assuredly feel as if they never left their home countries. It goes witout saying that we’d like nothing more than to know that these mistreated al-Qaieda killers feel comfortable — but we’ll say it anyway because we do want all our closest friends to know how nice we are. Seriously, what good is not saying so? What else would we have to talk about during cocktails and at protest sign painting parties?

Anyway, loving father, please consider our request. We want the world to know that Illinois is right up there, you know? We just want everyone to see that we aren’t called “Illinois Suckers” for nothing.

Love,

The Citizens of Illinois

PS, thanks for finally paying for your big party in Grant Park on election day. We were happy to extend your payment period past the 60-day term that real people and businesses are forced to observe. How could we deny you special treatment? It would just be madness.