Times are tense on RedState these days, and for good reason – the stakes are very high. Hopefully those of at each others’ throats in many threads will start to come together in a few months, with whoever-is-the-nominee against Obama. For now maybe we could find common ground in fictional candidates. (Yes some of these are not fictional people (though for some that may be debatable), but they are fictional candidates)

Earlier today, justluthien made the comment “In the general, I’ll vote for Quasimodo if that’s what it takes to pry Obama out of the White House.” In response, Repair_Man_Jack said “but would you vote for General Zod? I just about would.”

This got me thinking, how far would I go with the Anybody-but-Obama idea? Here is a worst case scenario ballot. Whom would you pick and why? Write-ins are acceptable, as long as they are keeping in the spirit of the ballot.

[ ] Obama/Biden
[ ] Myers/Krueger
[ ] Zod/Palpatine
[ ] Paul/Dollar-sign-suit-guy
[ ] Damon/Franken
[ ] Olbermann/Maddow
[ ] Moriarty/Sauron (credit to bcochran1981)
[ ] Carter/Wilson
[ ] Luthor/Man-in-Black
[ ] The Situation/Snooki
[ ] Soros/Immelt
[ ] Van Jones/Alinsky
[ ] Jadis/Voldemort

Things are beginning to take shape in the Republican primaries. Thankfully, My Favorite Candidate is in great shape, really. Their finish in the Iowa straw poll either demonstrated their organization and appeal with a strong showing, or their poor showing will prove to be another example of why the Iowa straw poll has no real predictive value. Here is a look at some of My Favorite Candidate’s latest and most logically persuasive reasons not to vote for the other So and So’s.

Rick Perry

Rick Perry is clearly a retread of George W. Bush in every possible way. The valid concern that he will be portrayed as such has rightly been raised even on Redstate. For example: they are both from white politicians from Texas, running for the Republican presidential ticket. They both like barbecue I assume (Texas barbecue). This why I have I also have a difficult time distinguishing Rick Perry from Ron Paul. Really essentially the same. Anyway, plenty of others have the same trouble: these guys, this paper, and this music magazine that writes important political commentary. Of course, didn’t candidate Obama tell us that McCain was the new Bush? Of course, Perry has distanced himself with his well known feud with President Bush, or he hasn’t, depending.

His recent prayer event is another big negative according to this prestigious news source. This concern is shared by many including Jon Hunstman, apparently. That same news source is obviously equally concerned when President Obama prays at a prayer event, which is reassuring.

Oh, and he’s racist.

Mitt Romney

Romney, fresh out of a Chris Christie seminar, had this “low point” at the Iowa State Fair, where he defended conservative principles. Also this other “low point”, where he dared to claim that corporation are owned by, and their profits go to, people. Obviously none of us owns even a portion of any business.

Michelle Bachmann

Unlike My Favorite Candidate, Michelle Bachmann has trouble remembering the birthdays of pop stars, such as Elvis and probably Lady Gaga. It is a shame Pawlenty is gone now, as he probably could have remembered both. This would definitely weaken her position in international affairs, and (sarc off) sadly may decrease her credibility with young voters (sarc on).

Also, she is of course the Queen of Rage, or crazy. Or something like that. This argument is particularly empirically persuasive.

Ron Paul

It seems, according to Jon Stewart, we are treating Ron Paul like Gary Busey. That is an image I will not be able to shake for a long, long time.

Herman Cain

Herman Cain may not be racist, but the most of us are, which is why he has little chance.

Jon Hunstman

My Favorite Candidate has strong words against Jon Hunstman. Trust me, really really thoughtful revealing stuff, and this post will be updated to add them in September. Perhaps he and Obama contracted their plans out to the same think tank.

Rick Santorum

Rick Santorum does not seem have a plan at all to decrease our dependence on foreign fonts. My Favorite Candidate, on the other hand, has pledged to double font permits on day 1 of office.

Newt Gingrich

Newt Gingrich needs to be more subtle in his references to favorite cartoon character, Mickey Mouse. He could learn a thing or two from Herman Cain, who has been referencing Pokemon for years, with most of us none-the-wiser.

[Promoted and bumped.  Also: HAHAHA! - Moe Lane]

So and so has changed positions on more issues than my favorite candidate. Sure, my favorite candidate has changed positions as well, but their changes were the result of experience and wisdom gained while my favorite candidate went through their singularly unique path to the presidency. Reagan is a good example.

So and so, on the other hand, is merely showing their opportunism when they change positions. Reagan would never do such a thing.

So and so compromised their principles while they were in a prior leadership position. I disagree with things that happened during their time. This is analogous to what George Bush did. Ronald Reagan, on the other hand, would never do such a thing.

My favorite candidate, on the other hand, never compromised their principles while in a prior leadership position. Every piece of legislation during this time period is agreeable to me. And even those that are not agreeable to me, were necessary and/or out of the conceivable control of my favorite candidate. Ronald Reagan sometimes found himself in just such a situation.

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I think the left could wage a campaign of sabotage by periodically posting on sites like this one the words “Palin” or “Pence” or “Cain” or “Romney” and watch us fight. My reasoning:

1. Nobody has declared yet.
2. Nobody has declared yet.
3. There are other good, perhaps better, candidates who haven’t decided yet.
4. We have a lot of work to do in the new congress and should be pushing issues at the grassroots level to ensure the recent gains are wisely used.

As a voter who was deployed for the 2008 campaign and election, I have a difficult time understanding the Palin question – if you took 3 redstaters in a nunnery and brought up her name I think they would break out in song: “How do you solve a problem like Sarah?” McCain was a uniquely bad candidate for many reasons – mostly because he was a nonconservative candidate who appealed to enough conservatives to win the primary by his truly outstanding military record. He then proceeded to implode like a cheap sub and take the hopes of, um, whoever thought he would be a great (electable) president. So many of us are eager to get ahead of the election to prevent a repeat bad candidate (cough, Huckabee). I get it. But there’s plenty of important work to do, like, starting today, right?