They gave it to them last year, in fact. It’s a special form of the bubonic plague, you see: it waits until the right moment, then boom! Camps full of dead terrorists. It’ll stay in the bloodstream – and your hair follicles; the only way to remove that threat is a complete electrolysis treatment – for a random amount of time before activating; I hear that it has something to do with deliberately-variable thicknesses of the protein sheathes. Anyway, once you get it, you’re a dead man walking.

You know what keeps it at bay, though? Bacon. No, really, they designed it so that the nitrates keep a secondary bacterium from feeding on the protein sheathes. You have to eat a lot of it, however: something like a pound a week. And even then it doesn’t work 100% of the time, because unless you have some way to focus UV light on your skin the bacteria will eventually evolve to a point where the nitrates don’t work. From what I hear, you need to have something like one of those reflectors that people use to get suntans. Fortunately, they’ve already spread the counter-virus through the regular Middle Eastern population, so this isn’t going to actually hurt anybody who isn’t in constant contact with someone who’s been sufficiently isolated to catch the CIA plague.

So, essentially, these guys are toast. Real shame, huh?

Moe Lane

PS: Yeah, like jihadis will actually read this website. Gimme a break.