by Ima Tuele
New York Times News Service

In a stunning display of honesty the United States House of Representatives has voted by a count of 434 to 1 to censor censure the entire United States House of Representatives. A similar motion in the United States Senate is not expected to pass, in honor of the late Ted Kennedy.

The lone holdout in the House vote was that of Rep Ron Paul, R-TX, who made an impassioned speech on the floor of the house, pointing out that such a measure was not constitutionally appropriate.

Rep Barny Fwank, D-MA, noted that what would be inappropriate, would be to leave any House members out of a censor censure move. “It’s not as though anyone is innocent around here,” he pointed out, with that little twinkle in his eye that he so known for.

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi was blunt in her crucifixion of the House. “Racists! We’re all racists!” she shouted.

“Because of this vote, we will now have the most ethical congress in the history of the universe,” said Democrat House Whip and Chain Steny Hoyer.

When it was pointed out to Rep Hoyer that congress is another word for sexual intercourse, Rep Fwank was heard to say, “I’m up with that.”

Originally published at The Minority Report

By Ima Tuele
of the New York Times News Service

Due to the extreme popularity of the “Cash for Clunkers” auto rebate program, whereby new car buyers may obtain up to $4500 in federal government rebates by turning in older, less efficient vehicles, the president has decided to announce a new wrinkle in his Universal Healthcare proposals.

During a Townhall Meeting in Ottumwa, Iowa, President Obama unveiled an innovative proposal to cut healthcare costs, to be called “Cash for Codgers**.” Young, uninsured Americans may receive up to a $5000 healthcare voucher for medical treatment, if they turn in for exchange an older, unhealthy relative.

The older relative must be between the ages of 65 and 90, and preferable should be suffering from some debilitating or expensive to treat disease. Relatively healthy old people will be considered for the program, the president explained, but preference would be given to those “on their last legs.”

“I believe this can be a teachable moment,” the president told the handpicked crowd of under thirty-year-olds. “We know that over half of all healthcare costs are incurred in a persons final year of life. What we need to do, to hold down government sponsored healthcare costs, is to simply eliminate that final year,” he explained.

Certain criteria would have to be met, the president explained. The old person must have been a continuous relative for at least the prior ten year — to prevent conflicts surrounding ex-inlaws — and must not have suffered a coma in the last five years.

When asked about the presidents revolutionary proposal, Vice President Joe the Biden said that he thought that, if successful, the program might be expanded to include any old person, not merely relatives. “Why do we want to make the program so narrow?” he asked.

Sitting with friends at Katie’s Diner in Wilmington, the Vice President suggested, “Any young person, looking for an opportunity to pick up quality government healthcare, could bring in an old homeless person — or one of those guys sitting on the side of the road with the ‘Will work for food’ signs.”

“You know that’s not true…they won’t really work,” the Vice President added.

White House Press Secretary Andy Gibb deflected the Vice President’s statements, suggesting that it might be time to investigate regulating Biden’s meds.

Not all Congressional Democrats were willing to offer support for the president’s plan. Senators Tim Johnson and Edward Kennedy both expressed reservations, unless there were ironclad guarantees that Congress would be exempt from the program.

**Special thanks for the caller to Lou Dobbs Radio Program

by Ima Tuele
of the New York Times

In what is being hailed as a piece of political brilliance, the Republican National Senatorial Committee has set forth a proposal that is guaranteed to return the Republican Party to commanding majorities in both houses of congress in 2010, and the election of a Republican president in 2012. RNSC Chairman John Cornyn laid out the new strategy in a press conference today, sharing the plan that he said has been decades in the making.

The Republican Party has been bitterly divided since the 2008 presidential election, with moderates fighting with Conservatives over the cause of the devastating losses suffered in November. The dispute has threatened the “heart and soul” of the party, Sen Cornyn told the press, with finger-pointing from both sides.

Moderates have claimed that the Republican Party has become too dominated by conservatives and their principles, and must move further left to attract more voters, while conservatives have blamed the leftward shift of the party for the electoral losses.

The dispute has reached new heights in recent days with the announcement by Sen Arlen Specter that he was leaving the GOP to join the Democratic Party. “I will not allow my reelection to be put into the hands of the Republican Party primary,” he said.

With the new plan outlined by Sen Cornyn, that will not be necessary. “The plan is so brilliant in its simplicity,” the senator explained, “I don’t know why nobody has ever thought of it before.”

“The blueprint to achieving an overwhelming congressional majority,” he explained, “lies in being all things to all people.” What the RNSC plan entails is that in all districts now held by Democrats, the Republican Party will not oppose those candidates, but will, in fact, nominate that Democrat as the Republican candidate as well.

“Those candidates cannot lose,” Sen Cornyn shouted enthusiastically. “We simply claim them as our own. When they win, essentially unopposed, we simply put an R after their name, along with, of course the D.”

So Senator Specter will be reelected, and will become Arlen Specter, (D-R-PA). “Now, some of our Republicans will win their seats, and so we will have our own people, as well as all of the Democrats who get elected. We will obtain an overwhelming majority in a single election,” he explained.

An added benefit to the new plan is that it will become unnecessary for the GOP to do fund raising for candidates. “What would be the point?” Cornyn asked. “Besides, with all the Wall Street money going to Democrats, along with all of the union cash and money from the legal profession, its become just too hard to find anyone willing to donate to the GOP anyhow.”

The plan calls for the GOP to nominate President Barack Obama as their candidate in 2012, thereby guaranteeing control of the Executive Branch as well.

When shown the proposal, former Secretary of State Colin Powell could only exclaim, “Brilliant, simply brilliant.” The proposal won the immediate support of Sen John McCain, as well as his more politically astute daughter Meghan.

The Republican Main Street Project issued a statement that they opposed the new proposal, as it would relegate their two decades of undermining the Republican Party as useless. “We refuse to be relegated to the ash heap of history,” a spokesman explained.

When asked what is to prevent the Democrats from doing the same thing and claiming Republican candidates as their own, Cornyn explained that that could never happen. “Our Republican officeholders stand for principles…the Democrats would never accept that in a candidate.”

Originally posted at The Minority Report