Hey ladies and gentlemen, we have a new President! And from what I’ve been led to understand, he’s a Black man! It’s been more than eight years since America had its first Black President, and I couldn’t be happier to see another person of color get elected to the highest office in the land this quickly!

In his inaugural speech, Barack Hussein Obama tried hard to buck up the nation, because everyone knows we all need a little bucking right now. That’s why in his first acts as President he put a halt to all the legislative actions undertaken by the outgoing President until he has a chance to review them, which sounds fair to me. After all, you wouldn’t want something defining your Presidency of hope and change that you can’t take credit for! And you only want to take credit for the things you like! And he took the first step toward helping the ACLU release the terrorists at Guantanamo Bay! Those are the kind of decisions we can look forward to with hope and expectation for the next four years.

Our new President mentioned his focus on fighting climate change at least three times during his speech, so I guess we can all relax now! He’s not the kind of guy who is going to let the Earth die of a fever. No, siree — he’s going to get right in there, regulating industries and enacting policies to save our world from us. On second thought, we might not be able to relax. It’s going to take a lot of hard work, but that’s OK because we don’t want to have any idle hands, since they do the Devil’s work. And we need all the hands we can get right now, because there’s a lot of cleaning up to do on in Washington! Those 1.8 million visitors left one heck of a carbon footprint, and by golly, they’re all going to pay for it in the next four years! I’m waiting for the dirt-powered car, because all I’ll need to get to work is a shovel!

We will harness the sun and the winds and the soil to fuel our cars and run our factories.

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One good thing was that this incoming administration really showed the kind of class that has defined them since the very beginning and makes us all proud of them. From the football stadium chants while the ex-President was walking out to the dignified gestures of his new Chief of Staff, the new President sure showed what kind of people got him where he is today!

“We seek a new way forward, based on mutual interest and mutual respect.”

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When a new President is inaugurated, I know everyone wishes him the best, and I’m no exception. And the outgoing Administration did its best to make the transition smooth and then get out of town quickly, so the new leaders could get right to work Bucking Up America. Maureen Dowd did her usual awesome job at conjuring the spirit of the moment from that witch’s brew of spirits tumbling around in her head: not letting the door hit the Bushes on their way out, now that the right people are finally back in charge:

Under the platform, near where I sat, Denzel Washington, Beyoncé, Jay-Z and P. Diddy looked on proudly as the new commander in chief showed he was in command of the script and the country.

The new President’s speech was written by a 27 year old man who Barack calls his “mind reader.” Now that’s impressive, because I know that when I was 27 years old nobody would have wanted me writing speeches for a President, full of baloney as I was. Who among you can truthfully say your work at 27 was good enough for a Presidential speech? Fableau must be some kind of prodigy, though. That fella, he’s wiser than his years and exudes the kind of seasoning and maturity you’d expect from someone writing speeches for the most powerful man in the world, like the kind he showed when he groped a cardboard cutout of Hillary Clinton:

There’s more to come today, folks, but I’m already getting excited about this new President, as you can tell. There’s going to be a lot of fun and games over the next four years, that’s for sure!

Buck up!