Dear President Obama,

I understand you’ve got a bit of a PR problem on your hands in regards to what you call “torture,” while you promised in your campaign that you would end the so called “torture” techniques the CIA used to protect American lives during the campaign, you realize they have worked. First of all, Mr. President, let me say, I don’t believe in torture, I think it is wrong to cut off fingers, remove toenails, kill one’s family members (you know, routine stuff Jack Bauer does on the fictional TV show “24″), etc. I recently read the report on the CIA’s “torture” techniques, and I’ve got to tell you, if this is what you consider “torture”, good Lord man, how are you going to get important information necessary to save American lives? I think I have a solution to your problem.

First of all, we need to consider whom this is being done to. These are not innocent kindergartners, these are people who have intentions to hurt Americans or have aided people who have hurt Americans or know information about potential attacks on Americans and will not give the information up to authorities. And yes, I am not too sanctimonious to care about my fellow countrymen. I think it’s quite alright for me to have a bond with my fellow Americans that I don’t have with people from other countries. So it does indeed put a greater sense of urgency in me when it is my own country and citizens of that country that are in danger. Believe it or not, Mr. President, you are actually President of the United States, the whole “President of the World” thing was just a kind gesture by the foreign press and not real in any way (except, I don’t remember, but it might have been your campaign who suggested you would be “President of the World.”)

Secondly, I am against the Rendition policy introduced by Bill Clinton and carried on by the Bush Administration. This of course is when we pick up someone who may or may not be connected with terrorist activities take them to a secret prison somewhere and have officials of another country with less strict human rights laws (you know, like Saudi Arabia, Pakistan, Afghanistan) torture them for information with or without a CIA official present. I say if we are going to interrogate someone, we need to do it humanely and we need to be able to take responsibility for it. So there’s where we agree Mr. President, I think Rendition, thought up by the Clinton administration, is an effective policy and I think we need to be humane.

Thirdly, by humane I mean their body parts are still intact, we haven’t harmed anyone else but them (i.e. their family), and they’re alive without the aid of machines. I don’t mean we give these guys foot massages and manicures and hope they’ll divulge important information to save American lives. These guys should get hurt, scared, shamed, and humiliated if it means they’ll give us information that can save the lives of Americans of people around the world. Sound tough? Life’s tough and it would be a hell of a lot tougher for many more completely innocent people if we can’t get this information. Tell me, Mr. President what would you rather have happen? Someone’s self-esteem damaged or have a school bus full of children be blown up in the name of some holy war?

So let’s take a look at some of the “torturous” techniques you arediscontinuing (as far as we know, at least.) I think I have the perfect solution to both win the PR war and keep the American people safe!

“Sleep deprivation,”- I feel their pain! The CIA should enroll these guys in college! They wouldn’t even need to help keep them up! Most people at any major American univeristy can relate to getting less than a couple of hours sleep every night.

“Nudity,”- again, college.

“Dietary Manipulation,”- well, at least for my couple of years at Vanguard, college.

“Abdominal Slap,” In college, Abdominal slaps are the least of your worries, there are other slaps that can do far far more damage.

“Attention Grasp,”-Holy cow, I think some of our professors should go get some training from the CIA, because Lord knows my attention in some of my classes is not “grapsed”

“Waterboarding,”- Psh, small cakes compared to some hazing techniques used by Fraternities. Still, if a Frat were to pick this up as sort of an “intermediate” hazing technique-college. If we really want to get these guys talking, we can have some real frat hazing, like tying bricks to their…. yeah.

“Water Dousing,”- Oh c’mon! Is this boiling water? “water dousing” is a torture technique? Have you seen pictures of these guys? A little “water dousing” probably helped them out a bit. Did they include a bar of soap? You know sometimes, especially in Freshman dorms, a young guy without the aid of his mom to tell him to get in the shower might need water dousing, so I will also say college!

“Confinement With Insects,”- Are we talking catepillars or scorpions here? Throw a snake in there and you’d have a pretty intense hazing activity for a frat or college club.

“Walling”- this one is described by the CIA as when the the “interrogator quickly and firmly pushes the individual into the wall…The head and neck are supported with a rolled hood or towel … to help prevent whiplash.” Take the towel and rolled hood out of the picture, make out with a jock’s girlfriend, and you will experience one hell of a good “walling” in college, probably with the whip lash.

So I think I have found your answer to their “torture” dilema! If these guys are responding to these techniques (and judging by the countless terror attacks the CIA was able to stop over the last 8 years using them, they are) but you don’t want the PR nightmare of the “big bad CIA continuing the practices of the Bush administration during the Administration of The One” send them to an American University! Make them live in the Freshman dorms and then Make them join a frat! Make them purchase a meal plan! Force them to sit through the most tedious boring lectures. Have them join (in my University’s case) the drama club where they’ll be thrown in boxes and have to live with snakes.

From the sounds of it, it seems like what the average American male pledge goes through to get into a frat is similar or even in some cases worse than what these guys were going through.

I trust Mr. President, with The Lord’s help and guidance, you’ll make all of the decisions necessary to keep our country safe. You and you’re family are (seriously) in my thoughts and prayers!

Much love,

Josh.