We have winners! To remind those who forgot or didn’t know, we had a contest Wednesday. With yet another prime-time Bambi press conference coming up that night, I had already determined not to let that uninspiring dolt waste a perfectly good hour that I would rather spend doing almost anything else. I was not alone in that sentiment, as 88 RedStaters submitted 155 entries for this fill-in-the-blank contest :

I would rather spend that hour _________________ than watching BambiCare flop around like a salmon in a grizzly’s mouth.

As I reported in my early followup, I was overwhelmed by an embarrassment of riches, in terms of clever, creative, and bizarre entries. It was impossible to pick a single winner so I decided to pick 8 winners, each to receive, upon the opening of my webstore August 15 (EPU Gear – bookmark it now, dont go buy stuff yet), a free t-shirt of his/her choice from my collection.

Even the 8 winners were not easy to pick. And I simply could not go without at least paying some homage to the 35 finalists. So first, let’s all re-enjoy some laughs and groans, by category (many would fit in multiple categories):

physically revolting

• victor_cocchia — scraping the bottoms of feet in a pedicure salon
• itrytobenice — scraping animal carcasses off the Interstate in the middle of July
• MikeInOhio — being the last person sent home empty-handed, smelling of sumo sweat and raw squid, from ‘I Survived a Japanese Game Show’…
• TNJim — de-scenting skunks in a limburger cheese factory

physically painful or injurious

• azaeroprof — shaving my head with a cheese grater and chewing on tin foil
• bk — passing kidney stones
• grumpy_old_soldier — pulling my own teeth with channel locks
• TallChE — practicing removing my own appendix with a pocket knife
• montanan — be sitting above a dunking tank full of white hot thermoplastic while any one of my ex-girlfriends pitches.
• Elizabeth Christian — poking both my eyes out with a pencil with one hand, while running my fingernails up and down the chalkboard with my other hand, at the same time listening to MSNBC turned up really really loud!!!

offensive to one’s conservative principles

• rgirlinadcity — sitting with Keith Olberman & Janene Garofola talking about racist, red neck tea b_____s
• djemi — watch Al Gores An Inconvenient Truth
• Patrick Murdock — watching the Olbermann: ‘How dare you, Mr. President’ video, over, and over again,

dangerous

• erod — walking through Compton, wearing blue and throwing up Crips signs to unsuspecting Bloods
• Xasteius — stuffing live weasels into my pants
• jerry38 — defending Ron Paul on Redstate…

interacting with disgusting and/or leftist people

• swamp yankee — Getting a back rub from Barney Frank after doing Nancy Pelosi’s make-up first thing in the morning
• aaron gardner — harvesting the vast reaches of Henry Waxman’s nostrils
• janis — interviewing Meghan McCain on “Ten Things I Love About Me”
• rlhowk — listening to Michael Moore do a polka yodel about gun control.
• eburke — on a triple date with Rosie O’Donnell, Whoopie Goldberg and Barbara Mikulski while watching an endless loop of AlGore doing the macarena and “the kiss”
• gazill — wearing Hillary’s prison orange jumpsuit while riding shotgun with Barney Frank on a pink Vespa at a Sturgis Cycle Rally
• KelliP — spend an hour with Al Gore at a Kanye West concert…

tedious in the extreme

• NC_Red_State — read the cap and trade bill in its entirety
• tsquare — Listening to the ex-wife scream that EVERYTHING is (somehow) my fault. (never ever limited to things I had anything to do with)
• uhangtight — sitting in my black car on the 91 freeway without air conditioning just 15 miles from the 15 interchange in the 110 heat…between Orange County and Riverside County… without a radio or any music just me and the traffic noise
• Jack Savage — trying to convince Elizabeth Edwards it’s really not John’s baby

who thinks up something like this?

• civil_truth — under the Neural Neutralizer…
• dforston — WATCHING BARBARA MIKULSKI BELLY DANCE TO A MUZAK VERSION OF BARRY MANILOW’S FOR ALL THE GIRLS I’VE LOVED BEFORE
• WarEagle01 — sitting in a man-diaper watching Zardoz
• kdoc — listening to William Shatner sing “Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds”
• julianusrex — trying to find a saving move in a chess game where it appears my opponent can force a mate against me in two moves.

a medley of horrors

• eucher — getting a root canal, with MSNBC on the TV above the dentist’s chair, listening to Keith Olbermann interview the grating, obnoxious Hilary Clinton and Barney Frank (neither of which have voices you can drown out with a dentist’s drill), with no novacaine (might as well get used to it) than lose an hour of my life watching Barry “White” Obama charm himself with smooth, melodic lies as he sucks the life out of America’s free market and my children’s futures while gazing at his reflection in the teleprompter.
• Socrates — congratulating Barney Frank on his Prudence and Chastity while …
  eating fire ants … with my hand in William Jefferson (D-LA)’s freezer… watching the Al Gore Inconvenient Truth mockumentary … in a body cast … all while being waterboarded by Nancy Pelosi.
• Michael Dugas — listening to Reverend Jeremiah Wright’s DVD sermons while Barney Franks, dressed in a teddy, reads me quotes from William Ayers book and Nancy Pelosi does my toenails in hot pink

It goes without saying that selecting 155 down to 35 was difficult. There were many, many good ones that didn’t make the final 35. Knocking 35 down to the final 8, well…. next time I’d rather spend an hour shoving live weasels into my pants………

Without further discussion, here are the winners, in no particular order:

• Socrates — congratulating Barney Frank on his Prudence and Chastity while …
  eating fire ants … with my hand in William Jefferson (D-LA)’s freezer… watching the Al Gore Inconvenient Truth mockumentary … in a body cast … all while being waterboarded by Nancy Pelosi.
• dforston — WATCHING BARBARA MIKULSKI BELLY DANCE TO A MUZAK VERSION OF BARRY MANILOW’S FOR ALL THE GIRLS I’VE LOVED BEFORE
• KelliP — spend an hour with Al Gore at a Kanye West concert…
• Elizabeth Christian — poking both my eyes out with a pencil with one hand, while running my fingernails up and down the chalkboard with my other hand, at the same time listening to MSNBC turned up really really loud!!!
• eucher — getting a root canal, with MSNBC on the TV above the dentist’s chair, listening to Keith Olbermann interview the grating, obnoxious Hilary Clinton and Barney Frank (neither of which have voices you can drown out with a dentist’s drill), with no novacaine (might as well get used to it)
• Xasteius — stuffing live weasels into my pants
• kdoc — listening to William Shatner sing “Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds”

…..and 1 with a graphical representation:

• aaron gardner — harvesting the vast reaches of Henry Waxman’s nostrils

Winners, I’ll be in touch soon, using the contact email you have in your account.

Thank you all, it was a lovely time!

EPU