HEAD MUSCLE PRESS (14 Sept): In an unexpected press conference earlier today, the President announced a new national security initiative which he claims will target the growing “irritist threat” here in the United States and abroad. “This initiative marks a critical transition from our current operations abroad to a more immediate and pressing menace,” Obama stated to a group of hastily assembled reporters and staffers. “Once again we are being called to action because the previous administration decided to improperly focus their efforts in places like Iraq instead of addressing the irritist threat up front.” White House staffers will not offer many details, but privately say that they are hopeful Obama’s new initiative against irritism will take the spotlight off of recent policy failures such as health care, jobs creation, cap-and-trade, North Korea nukes, Iranian nukes, the Taliban, Israeli relations, Honduras, the stimulus package, and…well pretty much everything. On the condition of anonymity, a senior ranking staff member at the Department of Homeland Security agreed to speak to HM. “Look, the President has been very successful at bringing the War on Terror to an end. With the stroke of a pen he was able to downgrade it to an Overseas Contingency Operation,” the source admonished. “Now that we are no longer dealing with Bush’s War on Terror, we can focus on preventing future catastrophes by hitting irritists hard, where they live.”
Though there has been no formal evidence of their existence, the Obama administration claims that irritist groups are springing up all over the world, with a shocking number of them right here in the US. According official DHS reports, “irritists” are different from classical terrorists because rather than trying to create destruction on a massive scale, they just try to piss people off. A recently released DHS internal memo clearly states that we have known about these groups for years.
“They are far more clandestine than most terrorist groups,” Obama’s newly appointed Irritist Czar, Bill Ayers, stated. “Terrorists are always in your face trying to do big things like blow you up, but these guys have a real knack for rapid hit-and-run irritation operations…they rock.”
Despite the White House’s new found commitment to address the irritist threat, many remain skeptical as to whether or not these groups really exist. When a Fox News correspondent expressed to the President that this was, “all just made up nonsense designed to distract voters from the fact that your administration is in complete disarray,” the White House produced transcripts of an interview with a reformed irritist leader named Mr. X. Head Muscle was able to track Mr. X down after the press conference and obtain the following exclusive interview:
Irritist Informant X File Photo
Begin Interview -
HM: So how long were you an irritist?
X: Well, really for most of my life I have been um irritating, so it is hard to say exactly when it became an ideology. A long time I suppose.
HM: What does an irritist do?
X: Oh lots of things, it is pretty complex. You see, unlike the classic terrorist, we do not work to overthrow, kill, or destroy. We are much more subtle.
HM: In what way?
X: Well, for instance, have you ever gone into a restaurant for lunch and been seated at wobbly table? You know, the ones that seem perfectly normal until you rest your arm on them and then <<wham!>>, it tips just enough to spill your drink in your lap or make you drop your silverware on the floor?
HM: Yes, I think…
X: Well that was most likely us! And the scary part was you never saw it coming….did you!?
HM: Wait a minute, this kind of stuff happens to everyone every now and then…
X: Exactly my point… spooky huh?
HM: Ok…
X: But that is just the tip of the iceberg. We have operations ongoing almost everywhere. Perhaps you’ve heard of some of them; operation empty stapler or perhaps operation unattended car alarm?
HM: Those were you as well?
X: You got it. We are everywhere.
HM: So is that it, wobbly tables and stuff?
X: Goodness no, there are some real big things in the planning phase right now.
HM: Like what?
X: Well, a big one I am helping to thwart right now is called Operation Trip Hazard. Imagine a normal business day around the country. Silently irritist plants are tying 2 or 3 hundred thousand peoples’ shoes together while they are sitting at their desks. Then at a pre-arranged time << BAM!>> fire alarms are pulled around the country….I mean, wow, there is real potential for mass-irritation on a national scale. It would be huge.
HM: Yeah, kind of weird.
X: [continuing] We were also starting to do great things in the health care industry – things like lost files, botched appointments, incorrect prescriptions, crowded waiting rooms, Tabasco sauce in the KY Jelly – stuff like that. But now that Obama is setting up a government run health program, we will be out of business in no time. Even the best irritist cannot compete with Uncle Sam. It’s a real shame.
HM: You know this all sounds somewhat hard to believe; thousands of so-called irritists running around just to piss people off. Are you for real or did the administration just make this up so President Obama could rebound from his dropping poll numbers?
X: You need to watch out what questions you ask, or you may wake up tomorrow and find all of your clocks set back an hour. This is the big league buddy.
End Interview –
Obama repeatedly refused to detail specific plans for combating the irritist threat, but stated that solid intelligence had been received suggesting that these groups were actively seeking weapons of mass irritation. “The time for action is now,” he scolded, “and folks had better decide if they were with me or with the irritists.” When pressed by the Sierra Club correspondent, Obama also reaffirmed that all anti-irritism operations would be eco-friendly, deficit neutral, diverse, and would not require prolonging operations at Guantanamo Bay.
So at the end of the day, it appears that the American people are left with more questions than answers. Is there really an irritist threat or is this all political hype? Regardless of the answer, if Obama can convince the world that he is standing up to irritism, it could really change the tide for Democrats in 2010. Until then, we will all just have to pause and wonder each time the lid on our Starbucks dribbles hot coffee in our lap.
Neil Stevens
Jeff Emanuel
Moe Lane
Dan Spencer
Steve Maley
Dan McLaughlin
