A scary thought struck me this week- we are already in primary season. As of yet, the Republican Party can’t seem to find a candidate who has the ability to inspire both the base and Independents alike. I believe they are desperately seeking a Reagan but, sadly, Reagan is dead and the current candidates don’t look too good themselves.

Republican and conservative voters want a candidate we can believe in, someone who will blow us off our feet and blow the competition away. Where is the candidate who rallies the base and, like Gandalf on the bridge of Khazad-dûm, tells the Obama machine “Go back to the Shadow! You cannot pass”?

Let’s be honest, Herman Cain was a fiasco. We were hoping for a Godfather but got a playa instead. What is most frustrating about the situation, though, is that Cain had some innovative ideas and was able to articulate with passion. Now his economic proposals will be discounted in light of his (allegedly) atrocious treatment of women.

Of those candidates left, only four can realistically win the nomination at the end of the primary season, but no one is celebrating yet. Each candidate is solid and proven, but none are lighting any fires in the party’s faithful. Why not?

To start with, Romney has all the thrill of a glass of buttermilk. Sure it’s rich and has beneficial qualities, but who wants to guzzle it down and instantly demand another? On the other hand, we are told that Gingrich too much baggage.

Baggage? Baggage? We don’t need no stinking baggage.

Actually, Newt is like a lit firecracker. You know it’s going to go off in a spectacular display but no one is sure where the explosion will take place and how destructive it will be.

The other two are from Texas, which says a lot. We’re told that everything is bigger in Texas, but Perry’s campaign seemed to have missed the memo. When Perry entered the race, he was sitting tall in the saddle. Unfortunately, voters soon discovered that saddle was on a Shetland Pony.

And then there’s Ron Paul. In 2008 I voted for Paul in the N.C. primary even though McCain had already won the nomination. This year I’m not so certain. Paul increasingly reminds me of Cousin Eddie in Christmas Vacation- he means well and can be devastating in his critiques, but every time he speaks you have to hold your breath for fear of what he might say.

So here we are in late December. What can be done with only two weeks left?

I am of the opinion that only two of the final four have the potential to become the candidate we can passionately support. Those two are Mitt Romney and Rick Perry. Why not Gingrich or Paul? For very similar reasons.

Gingrich has the propensity to speak without thinking, believing that his erudition will overcome any final objection. Unfortunately, it doesn’t. For Paul, the Libertarian nature of his words will hamstring him. I can imagine Obama facing Paul in a debate and bring up Paul’s stance on ending, or at least auditing, the Fed. Obama would only have to say that ending the Fed would disenfranchise minority voters, eliminate jobs, hinder a child’s education, destroy the environment or any of his other standard objections to reason, and Paul would be finished.

So we are left with Romney and Perry, but not really. Perry’s freezing in a debate was his undoing. Certainly he recovered well, but what Republican thinks that a good showing on David Letterman is something to get excited about? I don’t.

Therefore, the GOP’s hopes appear to rest solely on Romney. He has been groomed for this, he has the look (and the hair!), he knows the issues and has the business experience needed in a down economy. What he needs to do is unleash some passion- un-tuck the Oxford, mess up the perfectly coiffed “do” and raise his voice a little. Not to the Howard Dean level of screeching, mind you, but some volume changes and body movements wouldn’t hurt.

Mitt can handle himself in a debate. He knows the issues and is able to lead. All that remains now is excite the voters. Mitt, you can do it! Come on baby, light our fire.

Iran is a country with a Napoleonic complex. Like the infamous French dictator, the leaders of the Islamic Republic of Iran desire to conquer and control, except they have their sites set on the Middle East. It’s as though they want to rebuild the Persian Empire, only with a Supreme Leader rather than a Shah.

Since the 1979 revolution, the response to Iran from the liberal left has been a mixture of praise and silence. TIME magazine named Ayatollah Khomeini its “Man of the Year” in 1979, yet they were quiet when he supported the hostage-takers in the Iranian hostage crisis and when he called for the death of Salmon Rushdie, a British Indian citizen, after Rushdie published The Satanic Verses.

Awarding the Ayatollah the title “Man of the Year” is so ironic that it’s absurd. That’s like giving Al Gore or Barack Obama a Nobel Prize…hold on, they did. My bad.

I believe that the most liberal and progressive Americans don’t really dislike the extreme fanaticism of the Islamic Revolution or its current leadership. In their minds, they would rather live under strict Shi’a rule in Iran than be governed by a conservative Christian in America. After all, Iran may require women to wear head-to-toe burkas, deny them the right to vote or drive and execute them for adultery, but conservative Christians? They are, gasp (!), pro-life. Unenlightened Neanderthals!

The last few years, mainly since Obama’s election, have witnessed an increase in troublesome activity by the Iranian leadership. In response, President Obama has maintained economic sanctions and given them many stern lectures which have been supported by Western leaders (think Jeremiah Wright preaching to his choir) yet, for some reason, Iran has continued its acts of defiance. Nuclear fuel rods are being enriched, short and medium range missiles are being tested and now Iran is threatening to close the Strait of Hormuz.

I can’t imagine why repeated sanctions and stern lectures have only emboldened the Iranian leadership. Think with me for a moment, what can be done that will really send them a message? Hmm…I know! What this situation needs is another economic sanction.

Lo and behold, they got one! On New Year’s Eve Obama signed into law a new economic sanction that would, according to Reuter’s, “cut off any financial institutions that work with Iran’s central bank from the U.S. financial system, blocking the main path for payments for Iranian oil.” Step aside, boys, there’s a new sheriff in town.

So what is the media’s response to Obama’s “tough” stance? I hope you’re sitting down, because most outlets are reporting that his actions are …wait for it…a success. Who would have guessed? Apparently there is runaway inflation and a demand for American dollars in Iran, so three days of unilateral American actions (Europe has yet to impose the sanctions, China and India still buy Iranian crude oil) have begun to cripple Iran. Right.

Sadly, the media and the president, as well as many in Congress, are extremely shortsighted and are not students of recent American history. At the start of the hostage crisis, President Carter froze Iranian assets in the U.S. Within six months, wealthy foreign investors began to wonder about the safety of their American investments and started converting their dollars into gold and other currencies; as a result, the demand for the dollar began to plummet worldwide. This directly triggered the financial panic of 1980, which took most of Reagan’s presidency to recover from.

That’s only recent history. Let us not forget the long-term sanctions imposed on North Korea and Cuba, which did nothing but hurt the average citizens. Did these result in the overthrow of Kim Jung-Il or Fidel Castro? No.

Worse, misapplied economic sanctions can sometimes hurt those who impose it more than just financially. One example- the economic punishment of Germany after World War I directly led to the rise of Hitler. Will our current actions actually popularize and promote Ahmadinejad to that level?

I do not support Iran’s actions; neither do I support increased American sanctions. Whatever response America takes, it needs to be quick and decisive. An ill-planned, knee-jerk economic reaction may backfire and end up hurting us financially or even lead us into war. That would be Ahmadinejad’s dream. To him, war would be a gift to America from Persia, with love.

In honor of holiday travels, I am presenting to you the inaugural edition of “Ask the Cupcake Lady,” the only travel advice column featuring Dept. of Homeland Secretary Janet Napolitano. It is also the only column that will allow you to pass through airport security with a 3.5 oz container of liquid, so stop using it to line your bird cages.

Our first question comes from a college professor who recently had a run-in with the TSA.

Q. On a recently flight out of Las Vegas a TSA agent confiscated my red velvet cupcake because “its frosting was enough like a gel to violate TSA restrictions on allowing liquids and gels onto flights to prevent them from being used as explosives.” Why?

A. You know what they say, what’s frosted in Vegas, stays in Vegas.

Q. No they don’t.

A. Well, maybe it was confiscated because the icing was cream cheese. Me, I’m partial to white chocolate icing on red velvet. Now THAT’S a cupcake that I would let clear security any day of the week and twice on Sundays! Next question.

Q. Ms. Cupcake Lady, I’m an 84 year-old woman who was strip searched by TSA agents when I refused a body scan, though I did volunteer for a pat-down. I have a heart condition and an implanted defibrillator and was scared the machine would cause me problems. Why did they strip search me?

A. Maybe they got a tip that you used C-4 instead of Sea-Bond to secure your dentures.

Q. I don’t wear dentures.

A. That’s irrelevant.

Q. But why did they strip search me?

A. You keep saying strip search…let me ask you this: was there a pole, music or strobe lights? No, then they didn’t strip search you. Instead, they made sure you had not secured any explosive liquids on your person, or that your walker wasn’t hiding a box cutter or brass knuckles.

Q. I didn’t mention I had a walker. How did you know?

A. Next question.

Q. Ms. Cupcake Lady, I am 57 year old lawyer from N.C. who was stopped by a TSA VIPER (“Visible Intermodal Prevention and Response”) team while trying to board an Amtrak train in Charlotte. They used a dog to sniff my trousers for chemical traces of a bomb. Additionally, I was scanned for concealed nuclear materials. Was that really necessary?

A. Sniff your trousers? Who uses the word “trousers” anymore?

Q. You’re avoiding the question.

A. Well, I can tell it wasn’t because of your radioactive personality. You were chosen at random as the TSA tries to boost its non-aviation security presence. Think of it as all the joys of airport security without the pesky plane ride at the end. Ok, last question.

Q. Ms. Cupcake Lady, I am a senior government official. Hypothetically speaking, let’s say I’m a senator from, say, New York. I want to remain anonymous so you can just call me “Chuck.”

A. Thank you for your time, Mr. Schumer.

Q. Um…who?

A. Sorry. Go ahead.

Q. Thank you. Anyway, my office…I mean, “someone’s” office…has gotten several complaints from elderly constituents over the treatment they’ve received at the hands of the TSA. One woman said she was asked to expose her colostomy bag for inspection and another was denied security clearance because her incontinence pad set off the chemical sensors. What do you think we should do about this problem?

A. I don’t see a problem.

Q. Me either, but the public thinks there is. Until we can re-educate them on the definition of freedom, I propose that we create another position within the TSA who will serve as a passenger advocate and can act immediately on customer complaints.

A. Act how?

Q. Well, by doing nothing really. But it sounds reassuring, doesn’t it?

A. Absolutely. And it will help me increase my budget…what Congressman, even a Republican one, will want to deny the elderly their rights?

Q. Exactly.

A. You have my wholehearted support.

Unfortunately, that’s all the space we have for today’s column. Do you have a question for the Cupcake Lady? If so, go to your local airport and attempt to clear security with cream cheese icing. You’ll get her full attention.