I don’t normally pay a lot of attention to people I don’t particularly care about. I’ve been called enough names and accused of enough BS to know that the battle usually isn’t worth my time.

But this one was just too much fun to pass up.

If you know me or my writing at all, you’ll know I have a bit of a history regarding the writings of the lovely Meghan McCain. To make a long story short, we tend to disagree on…things, and stuff: namely, on the fact that she’s a conservative, and that I am an extreme right-wing meanie who hates gays and wants to shoot illegal immigrants as they come across the border.

Par for the course.

At any rate, Meghan recently put out her latest finger-wagging admonition against the GOP in the form of a formal declaration of war against Michelle Malkin, people without tattoos, and “the extreme right wing.” Interesting concept, considering 1) people like Michelle (and I) are nowhere near “extreme” and 2) Miss McCain herself claims to be absolutely conservative. Cute how that works out.

Personally, I don’t really care whether or not Meghan McCain shuts up or keeps flapping her jaws until the day she dies. What I don’t appreciate, and what I think most conservative pundits who have come under fire for criticizing her don’t appreciate, is the fact that she does exactly what she abhors and condemns in the “far right wing” of the GOP: the seeks to realize her agenda by way of pushing other people out of the party! Her telling me to shut up is the same as me telling her to shut up.

In short, her logic fails. Miserably.

Anyway, let’s wade through this thing and rip her apart, shall we? I know it’s what you’ve been waiting for.

So Michelle Malkin successfully rounds out the trifecta of extreme female conservative pundits, following Laura Ingraham and Ann Coulter, who believe that I, and Republicans like me, need to shut up and get out of the party…What do Malkin and the other conservative pundits hope to accomplish by arguing that people “like me” have no place within the Republican Party? And who exactly are people “like me”? Young people? Moderate people? Young female people? People with tattoos who go to biker rallies?

True…the trifecta of fabulous conservative snark is indeed in play. First of all, I’d like to say that women tend to be a little…bitchy…when it comes to criticizing the work and wisdom of other women. I know I am, which is fine, as long as you can back up the bitchiness with crazy things like facts and smart commentary and whatnot. This is not the case with Meghan. Is she not, essentially, telling people to shut up and get out of her way? Is that not what she complains about every 15 seconds on Twitter? Fantastic.

Then comes the “I’m going to SHOCK them with my tattoos and bad behavior!!!!!” part of the post. It’s really my favorite part, because 1) she’s assuming that all young people are just like her and 2) that no conservative in the history of the universe has ever gotten a tattoo or ridden a motorcycle. Also, cute how she accidentally labeled herself a “moderate”…did you see that? At least she’s finally admitting it.

I don’t know exactly what about me threatens them so much, other than that people are listening to me. Malkin has the No. 1 book on The New York Times bestseller hardcover nonfiction list, but I have nearly twice as many Twitter followers as she does. And trust me, Twitter is more of an indication of where young people are than books published by the hyper-conservative publisher Regnery—which will be bringing you Carrie Prejean’s new book and published one of Ann Coulter’s.

Okay…exactly who is threatened here? Comparing NYT bestsellers to Twitter followers? Really? Trust me, Meghan, if you took away people like me who follow you for pure entertainment purposes, you’d be significantly less proud of your follower count. (Which applies to all of us, actually, but who cares?) Plus, young people aren’t the only people who count. And for the record, I’m young and I read books, so there goes that piece of logic.

There is a place for the far right in this party, Malkin included, and I respect their right to be heard. But the Republican Party will continue to lose elections unless we start reaching out in a more effective way to people my age and to moderates. Barack Obama won the last election on the slogan “Yes We Can,” and there is no reason why Republicans can’t go forth and win elections with equally positive messages. We will not get anywhere by continuing to sell hate and fear…The old conservatives of the past need to start accepting that this is a new era and I am a part of a new generation. I am as sick of the infighting as everyone else, but I would like to point out that I am not the one starting this fight or demanding that the other half of the party leave.

Uh huh. There’s a place for me, a member of the “far right” crazy mob, but we should probably shut up so we don’t offend the sensibilities of those members of the party with questionable morals and an overwhelming desire to please everyone. Got that, everyone? Moe? Erick? EPU? STOP OFFENDING PEOPLE! It’s your fault we’re losing elections. Wake up, think young, and get serious. We, the youth of the world, have our iPods, our motorcycles, and our tattoos, and we’re taking over. And we’re going to be POSITIVE about it, because God knows all of your hateful fear mongering over the years has completely destroyed any chance the Republicans have of kissing the butts of people who live to destroy conservatives. UGH. Now my buzz is totally harshed. Thanks a lot.

It’s true that Democrats make being a member appealing in a much different way than the Republican Party does. The Democrats seem to have mastered inclusiveness—whereas Republicans, like a country club, seem to require a litmus test.

Ah. This is it. The motherload. The epic finger-wag we’ve all been waiting for. I’m so…ashamed of myself. I mean, here I was, sticking to my principles and working hard to prove that it’s possible for young people like myself to appreciate conservatism without compromising every time our values contradict someone else’s life choices, when all of a sudden my eyes are opened by this little gem of wisdom from a young, progressive conservative just trying to make a difference in this crazy world. Wow!

The only reason the Democrat party is more appealing to the population at large is that they require no commitment. Their values and goals change with the winds of “popular opinion,” which means that the have no real mission other than to appeal to the whims of the majority. Sounds like something I’d like to be a part of.

Right…If I were a flaky idealist with schmutz for brains and a compulsive need to validate my existence with meaningless rhetoric and shock value.

Which I’m not. So I guess as far as all those young, hopeful, progressive conservatives are concerned, I’m a lost cause.

Sorry, Meghan.

Crossposted at The Minority Report