I like bacon. I know, courageous stance right? Bacon is one of the delights of life on this earth. It’s a universal good, a boon; manna.

But like any universal good on this earth, there are those who disapprove. PETA, for example, and for obvious reasons. Luckily, I don’t see PETA successfully instituting global bacon sharia anytime soon. On the other hand, they may not have to. Just as there are universally good things in this world, there are universally stupid things. I call them progressives.

And guess what they’re coming for next? Your kids.

Have you read Jonah Goldberg’s Liberal Fascism? If not … why are you so communist? The smiley face with the Hitler mustache on the front cover is a reference to material in the book. The idea being that where fascism intersects with American life, it does so under the guise of do-goodery. It’s nice. Smiley-face fascism. (Not be confused with the smiley on the cover of Kos’ new book, which is a reference to nu-uh-ery.) So maybe we call the war on food “smiley-face eugenics”. Too far? Well let’s see.

So-called progressives, or liberals as they’re known in the wild, want to help you, you see. You being the poor, dumb, fat, probably racist, Ugly American™ that you are. It takes a village to fix what ails you, and why? Because you don’t know best. They know best.

Wear your seat belt! Put on that helmet! Don’t drink that, drink this. Don’t smoke! You’ll poke your eye with that thing! That is not appropriate behavior for two consentin … ha ha, just kidding. Bedroom is off-limits. But you know what’s not off-limits to the nannies? Happy Meals. Yep. That ancient cardboard (save the whales!) scourge has finally met its match in the form of city councils and “concerned” citizens groups. At issue? The toys.

Yes, kids. Democrats want to take away your toys. Hey, you don’t vote. So suck it.

As reported in the Christian Science Monitor, San Francisco is considering doing away with the Happy Meal. San Fran, or Moscow as its known in the wild, wants to help you, you see. To not be fat. In fact that may be their new city motto: Don’t Be Fat. Not quite as catchy as “Gold in Peace, Iron in War” but … war is bad? Mmmkay?

This wouldn’t be the first such action in California. Santa Clara, California recently banned restaurants in unincorporated areas from offering toys with meals that have some amount of calories they arbitrarily assessed as EEVVIIILLLLLL. I guess if you’re in an incorporated area you’re less prone to being lured. Did I mention the luring?

Yes, if you read the news reports the word comes up quite a bit. McDonald’s is “luring” children to unhealthiness with the siren song of Shrek watches and grease. A potent lure indeed (I caught a ten pound bass with the very thing). The source of the creepy imagery of a trench coat-bedecked Ronald McDonald enticing innocent children into his unmarked van, there to ply them with McNuggets and bendy straws seems to be this statement put out by citizen “watchdog” group the Center for Science in the Public Interest (CSPI) back in July, as reported by MichelleMalkin.com at the time. Relevant quotable:

“… using toys to lure small children into McDonald’s is unfair and deceptive marketing and is illegal under various state consumer protection laws.”

Lure. Nice. Now, perhaps you think I’m reading too much into that. Surely they don’t mean to compare McDonald’s to Chester the Molester with that word. Right? From the same statement:

“McDonald’s is the stranger in the playground handing out candy to children,” said CSPI litigation director Stephen Gardner. “McDonald’s use of toys undercuts parental authority and exploits young children’s developmental immaturity—all this to induce children to prefer foods that may harm their health. It’s a creepy and predatory practice that warrants an injunction.”

Got that? Creepy. Predatory. Stranger in the playground.

Artist’s rendering. If you see this man, seek shelter and celery. LOCALLY GROWN celery.

Also instructive is the assertion that McD’s is undermining parental authority. Note the subtle abdication of that very authority, and all personal responsibility, just by that remark. Kids are fat because toys lure them, and parents are powerless. Since you, you weak fat Americans, are too weak and fat to decide what to feed your kids, we will do it for you. Since you can’t say no on a case by case basis, we’ll just take away the option.

Taking away options, in the end, is what progressives are the very best at. Because some children are obese, and because some parents give them too many McNugget meals, well we’ll just take away the option. Problem solved! … Or is it?

Toys as a prize are certainly a value-add to any meal. Even steak. (Trust me.) But which parent among you thinks your kids would stop wanting chicken nuggets just because the latest “Eat Pray Love.” bauble isn’t included? Anyone? And when those toys are gone, are the “never say no” parents suddenly going to be empowered, the spell of plastic toys in plastic bags finally broken and their will to govern the health of their children finally set free?

Please.

They want your salt. They want your bacon. They want your toys. And soon enough, they will want the nuggets, too. McDonald’s CEO Skinner fired back at CSPI in July. And yet here we are again, potentially facing a fresh ban in San Francisco. Where next?

Where will this societal engineering end? There’s no obvious final line to cross in this way of thinking. Which bendy straw will break the camel’s back? How far, ultimately, is too far for legislating healthiness? Why not get rid of Ronald? Kids like clowns right? Well .. some do. What about breakfast cereal? How long until Frankenberry sits in chains? Until the Trix rabbit is put to sleep? Are these not enticing to children?

Come to think of it .. what about bright colors? Contests? Giveaways? Scrap all that too. Hell, even the name. HAPPY Meal? So you’re telling kids they might be happy? OUTRAGE!!

Here’s a preview of the Happy Meal to come:

Michelle Obama has declared a war on fat. Because fat kids, you see, are a threat to national security. New York continues the assault on salt, as does the FDA. The race to “perfect” is underway. Because the fatcat … err, thincats in Washington and in your city offices, well they just know better than you. It may take a village to raise a child, but it takes an army of bureaucrats to raise a THIN child. So say the progressives.

What say you? Me? I say, those would sacrifice liberty to wear a size three deserve neither and will lose um … growth.

But now I’ve gotta run. I’m having bacon for dinner. And maybe a side of BUTT THE HELL OUT OF MY LIFE.