It always WAS this long – really!

I hope my son grows up to be just like you.

“If you will let me I will show you what an old pervert can do to another she-man because you should see how I am with little girls”

But I’ve already told you — after Madonna A-Rod doesn’t like you that much anymore so the joke would not have worked.

Letterman:

“So I hear Barney Frank anally raped you during the intermission of Rent.”

Simmons:

“Oh Dave, your such a cad, but in my dreams…”

“Please Dave, I have and have had more manliness that you ever will!”

Dave: I still don’t understand why you won’t come over to the house anymore…..

Simmons: I’m gay, Dave. I don’t like little girls.

“Seriously…I meant the 18 year old!

Oh, Dave – do you really want me to call your bluff…?

So are Michelle’s arms a product of your videos or steroids?

Much more cavernous than that, Dave.

Of course I can fill that gap… oh, you mean your in your teeth…

Dave: So it was YOU who knocked up my son!

Richard: Well, you PAID me to.

Calgon, take me away……NOW!!

Richard: You wish, Dave, I can do much better than you!

Look, Richard, don’t be jealous, I pick on the Palin girls, but you’ll always be the woman for me.

Todd Palin’s gun is much bigger than that! Dave, you are in serious TRUH-Bul.

Don’t be coy Richard, you know you want to be hate-raped by Barney Frank, Playboy said so.

I’ve already doubled my offer. What more do you want?

Look, Richard, you can’t lose! I have tons of available time slots, the dumbest audience in the late night market, and the political backing to keep me on the air indefinitely. It’s a natural fit for a Deal-A-Meal sponsorship.

He hasn’t done anything deserving of us to say these vile things about him. Back when fitness was only for the fit he had a successful business helping overweight/unfit people start moving and lose weight. He has worked to get physical education into schools. That is a good thing compared to the liberals that want to drug and lablel with a psychiatric disorder healthy active boys just for wanting to move around. I believe he is a Christian too.

I can say anthing I want to about anybody because I’m a rich liberal.

You can have all the 14-year-old boys you want, but leave the 14-year-old girls to me!

OR

Richard, you’ll just have to wait 13 more years before you can have sex with Trig!

And they call me creepy!

let’s get something straight between us, you think I’m funny right? You don’t take me seriously when I demean you and say stupid things about you right? So tell me, why is this Sarah Palin so mad at me? It’s not like I said she was a lesbian or anything — not that there is anything wrong with that. I mean c’mon, A-Rod and Spitzer, that’s good stuff. And the flight attendant thing, that was comedy gold. What did I say that was so wrong?”

“You want me to be honest with you Dave?”

“Of course Richard, tell me the truth.”

“Dave, you’re an idiot.”

When your ho rolls her eyes at you, you gotta give her the pimp hand

Letterman: So Richard, I understand Michelle had a very awkward moment in London last week when you knocked up her daughter on the London Eye.

Simmons: Oh Dave, gentlemen never kiss and tell.

Letterman: Note to self: invite Sasha and Malia for sleepover.

(uproarious canned liberal laughter in the background)

Some of these are 10X’s funnier than mine…

Maybe tomorrow.

I’m a man’s man…

Sorry Dave, but I’m waaaaaaaaaay too old for you.

…I meant the baseball player!

Is that why you’re here? Fallon’s two blocks away. Go see him – he needs the guests.”

he still called himself Barry?

Sarah and Todd Palin have the sense not to be a guest on Letterman. But does my agent? Nooooooo….

“I most certainly WOULD look good in that outfit, Mr. Simmons!”

…do you have, I don’t know, maybe a niece who’d be interested in sweating to an oldie?”

“Why did I come on this show? This curmudgeon wouldn’t have a kind word for anyone if it wasn’t included in his democrat talking points.”

Why is Todd Palin in the balcony with a hunting rifle?
Isn’t he dreamy!

….let Letterman be held accountable for his own words, but don’t go down to his level.

Richard Simmons has no reason to even be dragged into this.

Richard Simmons looks up to God, backing away from David Letterman, thinking, “When You strike him with an Old Testament Plague, please remember I didn’t make jokes about raping 14 year old girls, and I was nice to overweight people.”

I’m telling you, you will sweat to THIS oldie!

“Isn’t that your talent flying away? You should probably pay attention to that.”

Letterman: Do you know if NAMBLA has any good father-son activity programs?

Richard Simmons is calling me a girly-man?

…

…..that A-Rod molested!!!!

unrelated: Hey DL, how ’bout these “poor taste” Hilary jokes instead?!?!

But since it’s Dave…

From the home office in Liberal Kansas, here’s the Top 10 reasons I’m out of here.

#10: My stalker called and said she’s moved on.

#9: My personal offensiveness has gone beyond a New Yorker’s to the level of a Parisian.

#8: The hole I dug for myself has almost reached China.

#7: The best thing out of my mouth anymore is halitosis.

#6: Suddenly, I’m introducing myself to my neighbors, and I can’t go within 100 yards of a school.

#5: Make Parez Hilton look more tolerant, articulate, and manly by comparison.

#4: A clinic in Austria specializes in colorectal surgery to remove Todd’s boot.

#3: Need time to finish my book on how to make kids cry.

#2: Even Michael Jackson thinks I’m creepy.

And the Number One reason…

Two words: President Palin.

I mean, we JUST met…..how can you ask me to do THAT?

You think the celery and dip in the green room was free? I bought your dinner, now let’s get too it while I close my eyes and think about a teenager.

If I get back on the Oscars, I think an Oprah Uma rape joke would be golden.

Richard…hello…Richar…Oh would you please quit thinking about A-Rod!

that my wife did A-Rod AND Eliot Spitzer while I was out stalking Willow…

Letterman: Richard, just because I thought A-Rod was the name of a bat doesn’t mean you know more about baseball than me.

Note to lefties;
“Don’t be afraid to see what you see.” -Ronald Reagan

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“Look Richard, I think its high-time you update your slutty glory-hole attendant look.”

lol….this is terrible….Simmons is getting the Shaft…errr…

he’s getting a Bum rap…errrr…he’s really getting Hosed..errrr..

he’s getting the Shxx end of the stick..errrr…..nevermind…

we’re sorry Richard…

Is that his huge rod sticking out of the table?
That is going to be hard rod to swallow, he so dreamily

DL: It was PMS. I swear I’m not myself at that time of the month. In fact, I don’t seem to be myself any time of the month anymore. Got any advice?

RS: Pleeeeeaaaaassssssseee.

nt

I apologize most sincerely for that hideously perverse statement that I made the other night about the Palins. I am so sorry from the depths of my soul for having uttered such an abomination. I cannot for the life of me understand how I could possibly think that such a despicable remark could even remotely be thought of as a joke. And I am appalled that so many in my audience actually thought that it was funny. The folks on the right blogosphere are perfectly correct to take me to task for that statement. I’m sorry; I’m sorry. Oh, how I wish I could have that moment over again, to somehow unsay what I said.

Er, Richard, uh, why don’t you believe me?

Letterman: Whattya mean that wasn’t funny, Richard? It’s S A R A H P A L I N for crying out loud!
Ok, ok, try this one. It had Barney Frank spraying. Well more than usual…”

Note to lefties;
“Don’t be afraid to see what you see.” -Ronald Reagan

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Conservatives Victorious in 2010

You love everybody. Help me out, say something nice about me. You know it was a joke, I’m not really just a sick disgusting old perv.

But so far, the one that tickled me the most was restofva’s “Todd Palin in the balcony with a rifle.”

DL: After twittering you about a date I picked up on craigslist casual emcounters who do I run into at the bathhouse?
RS:Puhleease, you said bears preferred.

So tell me, Richard:
When was the last time you were at Yankee Stadium?

…Dave’s wife makes her television debut.

Idea rename Dave either Dave the Digusting or Digusting Dave and then dont pay attention to him and he will go away

Idea rename Dave either Dave the Digusting or Digusting Dave and then dont pay attention to him and he will go away

I always thought Redstate was THIS MUCH classier than me.

Simmons: Not any more!!!

Dave says, “You ever seen a grown man naked?”

and hold the Mayo.

Oh, you silly boy, Dave. That wasn’t Sarah buying the slutty stewardess makup. That was me! Come to think of it, that wasn’t Sarah’s daughter, either. Tee-hee!